So, its about time i started talking about things, after all, my head usually feels like its about to explode and i havent really done anything about that for a long time.
im currently seeing people for an eating disorder (bulimia, which was anorexia, and in my head, will be again...very unrecovery of me). Iv had it since i was 12, and used to self harm (not any more, that was till i was about 19 i think), and also have issues with depression...so im all around a barell of laughs!
im hoping that this blog will be recording my recovery. i have indeed before had a month or two, in 'recovery', but i have never beat this thing, and im hoping someday soon, it will happen. wouldnt half make life a hell of a lot easier!!!
today i had a councelling appointment, and my group (only 2 weeks left, which is kinda scary). the common theme seemed to be holding onto the good bits... letting the butterfly sit on my hand as it were, rather then swatting it off like a fly...im still in fly stages at the moment! compliments seem to flow off me and somehow leave behind a trail of the bad bits iv picked out!
'you look good' = you are fat
'you did well' = you could have done better
'your beautiful' = RUN FOR THE PAPER BAG!!!!!
'you can do it' = your stupid...
so im awear not everything makes sense with this (its a bit like one of those internet programs that gives you fake names...but way less fun!)
there are so many things i know i have to change before i will be able to get better;
like...
blaming myself for everything bad that happens
being tooooo much of a perfectionist
only taking the negative points
not having much self esteem
changing the way i see my body
not being able to assert myself...
the list goes on, and on, and on... which in my head begs the question, how the hell did i get myself into this mess?!!!
after this group finishes we are assessed again, and then, fingers crossed get more treatment (coz if this is it, i may as well give up now!). im nerves as hell because most of me things theyre going to send me packing, or laugh at me, even tho i know from group they are really nice people. in a way, im hoping that they can really offer me something a little intensive so that i have to acctually sort myself out, but the likleyhood of that is almost 0, im guessing itl just be me seeing a psychologist or something once a week...the usual fairly useless way i have done for the last 4 years. the problem with that is that you have to stay motivated, and be able to get that god damn food down your throat without passing the bathroom in order for your brain to be alive enough to start sorting itself out...which when starving, purging and excercising, is very hard to do.
i really hope this time i can sort myself out, i mean, i want a family, i want to finish my degree and be proud of how i did, and i want to be able to sit at the bloody dinner table and eat. not panick, not think all day about food, just to eat, and enjoy it. its been a long time since i last did that, i dont think i really remember it.
all that being said...i also want to loose weght and get my body back down to a reasonable size (silly ED...6 stone IS NOT NORMAL! i should really be aiming to be a normal 8 stone ish)
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
i will get better, and i will become everything i need to be in life, and i will be happy.
lottie x
