I think im going to say something iv never really said properly before - and im not sure if its ok to say, or even too feel, but its been on my mind a lot latly.
i think part of me is really angry that no one stepped in when i was younger.
and by really angry, i think i mean its upset me a lot more then i have ever admited.
I always feel like i dont have a right to be upset - that everyone has shit that goes on, and that I should have stopped it, or been different, and non of it would have happened. I made excuses for mum, that she couldnt deal with it, and it wasnt her fault. I made excuses for teachers, and schools, and the kids that did things. I made excuses for everyone and everything else, but not once did i let an excuse roll for me.
I should have changed myself. Become someone that people didnt hate. If everyone hates someone, then it is obviously their own faults. (and by everyone, i really do mean everyone). I could have become what they wanted, if i had just bothered to figure out what it was, and how to do it.
I hate the child i was, I have no sympathy, and if i saw her, i think i honestly would want to hit her.
yet somehow reading that makes me sad.
Why didnt anyone do anything to help? Teachers saw so much, and never once stepped in. Mum knew things werent right, and gave up helping. Ed and Bex just used to take the piss out of me for it, and later on, my gran must have known what she was doing. surley no one can hurt someone that much, and not have a clue that they are doing it.
I want to scream at someone.
I see people who went to school with me, and made my life hell every single day. they are happy, they have degrees, they have boyfriends or husbands. they have it all, and its not fair.
I still cant be in crowds because i get panick attacks. Im too scared of getting close too someone, because i know that something will happen, and i will be alone or hated anyway. I cant give my body the food it needs because i truley beleive that i dont deserve it, and i couldnt give a shit as too how much pain it creates, because anything is better then the pain that other people can do too me. I cant even get on the bus i used to get home from school without feeling sick, and i cant do my music without feeling like there is no way i can ever be any good. I cant make close friends with people, I cant even cope with going out half the time.
how is it fair that i never did anything wrong, yet they are the ones having a normal time, and i still cant get trhough a day without crying, starving myself, self harming or purging?
*mentions food and weight*
Food has gone compleatly up the spout, and its the calmest iv felt in months. My weight has dropped, but i dont think its noticable, so im pretty sure i can get away without being weighed. Its still well within normal healthy weight, although i wont lie, the goal posts have already moved.
i cant seem to get past the reasons i keep this damn thing going - im not sure i ever can, but i am so so so so so desperate too.
Will be 12 years in august... over half my life spent pissing around with food and self harm, and most of what came before it wasnt too fun either. I am such an idiot.
