Well, I had to figure out the dates i was in hospital today - and so i returned here, as i had written about it.
I haven't written in quite some time.
hospital (daycare, and IP) were almost 3 years ago now i think - and things are different.
different, but not perfect.
I have been a healthy weight since - iv varied a substantial amount, up n down, but never back to where i was.
I dont like it, i still struggle - but on good days, i dont think so much on it, and on bad days, rather then starving all day, or purging 7 times a day, i just struggle with the thoughts - and maybe restrict to 1000 kcal, rather then the 0-500 i used too.
The restricting days also do not last - i may have a day or two, but then something may pull me back, or dare i say it, sometimes i just can not be bothered to act on them!
I suppose its odd to look back on - since i was 12 i have been on and off with food, and from 17-21/2 life was just one big bit of eating disorder - thats over half my life taken up with it - and i never thought i would change.
I have changed a bit - enough to keep me out of hospital and to allow me to have some social life - which really is quite a big thing.
Things are different, unfortunately giving up my ED, and self harm has uncovered what i was using my 'creative adjustment' for.
I am diagnosed with dysthymia (along with episodes of major depression), PTSD, an ED and self harm, along with significant struggles in relationships.
I have been in and out of therapy since i was 17, and am only just finding the right help.
I have been referred to Group therapy for a day a week - it is actually a group for people with 'personality disorders, and/or multiple complex needs'. I do not have a personality disorder, but i do have massive issues in trusting people, and making friendships etc (largely due to school) which are fairly similar traits to those with personality disorders.
when i first started it - or rather the 'pre group group' i thought it was a joke - i hated it, i didn't want to do it, i didn't think it would be useful.
I did 3 months of that, and in june, i started the real group - and having got used to it, i am actually some what surprised in how helpful it can be.
the help i was given before, was just ED focused - but my ED was never really the main problem - i used that to cope with the anxiety, pain and fear that was (and is) in my every day life (which is why everyone was so confused that i wasn't better yet). I had not noticed how much my past effected me, until now - usually that would upset me, but i suppose this is the first time that i have felt like *maybe* some of this therapy may actually help me get into a better mental space.
*maybe*
one of the girls in group left on Wednesday - having completed her 18 months - it is sad, i really really got on with her (and we are not aloud to stay in touch outside of group), but she has been a huge inspiration to me. she is not 100% sorted im sure, but she is so much more sorted then i could ever dream of, and by all accounts, she started off in possibly a worse way then me!
A few years ago - i had no hope at all.
4 months ago, my depression was yet again bad enough for me to feel pretty suicidal - im still not great, but im picking up the peaces.
Today, even tho im struggling a lot, i have a glimmer of light.
maybe, in 18 months, or even 18 years.
maybe, i will be different.
