well, today has been wasted to food really.
i went into college, and managed about an hours practice, and an hours lesson, but felt very out of it by the end of that.
i couldnt stop eating food for lunch, which set me up badly for the evening, because i just wanted to eat, but obviously couldnt keep it down, so i have thrown up 2 times (well 3 including water). silly silly me.
having bloods done tomorrow, because maggie asked me to, pretty sure they will be ok.
on the up side i was 7 stone 7lb today so that makes me happy, but im scared itl have gone up tomorrow. id like to get back to 7 stone i think, not far to go if i keep loosing this quick (gone from 7 stone 12lb to 7 stone 7lb in a week) so maybe after next week il start eating right again.
went to the doctor because of reynauds...and sure enough i have it, and nothing can be done. also got quized on 'have you had any dark thoughts' etc ie. have you plans of suicide at the moment questions, anyone would think im a nutter! no plans, and i cant imagine there will be in the forceeable future!
should go to sleep. im acctually feeling very ill/sick right now, probably over hungry, but im done. will take my anti deppresant and go to sleep (maggie told me im not alloud to skip any more of them, oops!).
well, i hope i decide to get better again in the next couple of weeks. i keep seeing little kids, and my god do i want one! i guess its my dream, a family of my own, part of me (i pray to god im still fertile)...and a harp ofcourse!
anyway, bed, night x
Thursday, 25 February 2010
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
what on earth is in my head?!!!
gaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
my goodness, iv already had enough and iv only been not really eating for just over a week... i want out.
i am so fed up of this continual argument that i cant tell anyone. i want to scream, i want to tell someone that i am not ok, that im really not coping as well as i seem to be. but i cant. as far as most are awear i am happy, smiley charlotte.
im not managing food, i am eating a bit, but no more then 500 kcal a day (well i kept 236 kcal of porrige down, but no more), i feel like i should be ok, i shouldnt be doing this,
i went to see maggie yesterday, and she acctually mentioned day care as one of my options...that didnt half freak me out, but in another way gave me a green ticket to piss about with food...its silly isnt it. i want to get over this, i really do, but there is always that bit of me who wants to cling on for dear life. who is scared to eat normally, and not focus on weight, in case it still all goes wrong.
what if i eat normally and still feel like shit? what do i do then? how on earth do i deal with that AND feeling fat?!
i almost wish that daycare wasnt mentioned, because its given my ed a goal...his goal is to get as thin as i can before (if i accept it) daycare... its a dangerouse place to be, because i know im not nececerilly against it. its like i know there is a saftey net there so i dont have to keep control...which is all a lie.
on the other hand, i should be using this as a challenge to get better. i should be trying my utmost to not need to accept anything in day care.
she said that some do it over uni holidays, so if there was space, i could do it over the easter hols, to get my eating pattern back...which may be useful, but a bit crazy considering im not edsactly under weight right now.
gaaaaaaah i hate my head =-( i want to be happy.
my goodness, iv already had enough and iv only been not really eating for just over a week... i want out.
i am so fed up of this continual argument that i cant tell anyone. i want to scream, i want to tell someone that i am not ok, that im really not coping as well as i seem to be. but i cant. as far as most are awear i am happy, smiley charlotte.
im not managing food, i am eating a bit, but no more then 500 kcal a day (well i kept 236 kcal of porrige down, but no more), i feel like i should be ok, i shouldnt be doing this,
i went to see maggie yesterday, and she acctually mentioned day care as one of my options...that didnt half freak me out, but in another way gave me a green ticket to piss about with food...its silly isnt it. i want to get over this, i really do, but there is always that bit of me who wants to cling on for dear life. who is scared to eat normally, and not focus on weight, in case it still all goes wrong.
what if i eat normally and still feel like shit? what do i do then? how on earth do i deal with that AND feeling fat?!
i almost wish that daycare wasnt mentioned, because its given my ed a goal...his goal is to get as thin as i can before (if i accept it) daycare... its a dangerouse place to be, because i know im not nececerilly against it. its like i know there is a saftey net there so i dont have to keep control...which is all a lie.
on the other hand, i should be using this as a challenge to get better. i should be trying my utmost to not need to accept anything in day care.
she said that some do it over uni holidays, so if there was space, i could do it over the easter hols, to get my eating pattern back...which may be useful, but a bit crazy considering im not edsactly under weight right now.
gaaaaaaah i hate my head =-( i want to be happy.
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