time for an update i guess

heya guys,

things have been a little tough latley.

not feeling great, and being pretty antisocial as a result.
people keep texting, calling and emailing me, and as of yet i am not really replying at all

im not really sure why im not feeling so good, things have been stressful.

i was home for the weekend for my gran's 79th, and its not put me in the best of moods, but i think i was already feeling pretty crap before that.

i went to group on sunday, and glad i did... ended up crying my eyes out, but it was good to get it off my chest. latley i feel like iv been smiling to everyone, yet inside i feel like im falling apart. im fed up of lying to everyone, and myself, but it feels too hard to not do it. i keep myself distracted, and then i dont think about anything.

im finding body image hard. very hard. mainly because i seem to be ballooning over night. i know its not possible, but it certainly feels like it. its another thing i cant tell anyone.

seeing my gran was hard. why she didnt just have a bunch of performing monkeys instead of children and grandchildren i will never know she never wants anything to do with you unless your playing, and even then she never sais anything good.

my aunty hit it on the head when she did a concert the night before, and said 'this is the first time they have ever been proud of me'... she is late 40's, and she isnt lying. not once is there ever a well dont, or a thank you. everything is expected, and your wrong if your not doing it.

my gran got people playing to the rest of the family (there were about 50 people there... a lot of very distant relations), and to be honist it just felt like she wanted to show us off, like a pair of favorite shoes or something it made me sad and angry, and even worse i have to travel down there again this friday to play for her in a concert at harefeild hospital.

im paying over £30 and spending 4 hours travelling, and she doesnt even want much recorder. she wants me to play the bloody harp. somehow she has found one to borrow, and doesnt get it, that im only doing grade 3, only been playing since november properly, and that im not young enough to get away with things being cute anymore :( i feel like im going to make an absolute twat of myself, and i dont want to pay so much, and spend the time doing it.

i found myself getting really angry at my little cousin (who is 11, and post grade 8 on violin), but in actual fact, i dont think its him im angry at. im angry that it feels like a new shinier model of car has come along, and iv been chucked on the scrap heap... even tho i never wanted to be hers, i feel like she has screwed me over so much, only to go on to the next one.

i dont get why i still care so much

i didnt go to my therapy appointment today. i called in sick because i just dont want to think anymore.

ps. sarah, its nothing personal, just not in a people space. please forgive my lack of communication xxxxx

thoughts

hmmm i should so be asleep by now!

you know, i think i need to own up to myself...

i keep telling myself that the reason im avoiding thinking about how my eating is going is because im doing fine, and finding a life outside of my eating disorder.

the latter bit is partly true, but i think maybe im avoiding thinking about it so i dont feel guilty when i 'accidently' forget to have breakfast or lunch, or i 'dont feel like' finishing my dinner.

i didnt really twig it till earlier when come 12.45 i had walked out of the house to go shopping not having eaten or drank anything, and in my head i had justified it with 'im not hungry, and no one eats when they arent hungry', but maybe thats just an excuse to get out of eating.

if im honest i havent really been eating well for a while. im still calorie counting a lot, and tend to avoid food during the day, but often feel like i have binged in the evening (being realistic, its not a binge, just unplanned food).

i know i should get up tomorrow, and eat breakfast. i know what i should have, and i know i should get lunch and not leave half of it, and have dinner, and probably a snack or 2 too, but for some reason i find that scary

in my head, its fine, because im not loosing weight, yet if i was talking to anyone else, i would tell them how its not the weight thats important...

why is it so much harder to swallow your own advice?!

i want to say that i will make tomorrow different, but i equally dont want to lie. i will eat enough to be at college, which will probably be more than normal.

somehow i need to find a way to kick myself into gear again