To a dear friend...

I wish it could have been different for both of us.
I wish i'd stayed in touch, and been there to pick you up.
I wish that you would never have needed me to talk to.
I wish that we didn't share the understanding we have with each other - because it means that we are both far more damaged then any person should ever be.

You were a close friend - we had a good time - you were there for me when things were bad at home, I was around for you when you needed to rant, to talk about subjects that no one else knew even existed for you.

We both have similarities - we both were bullied (badly), we both self harmed, we both had abusive relationships, we both had issues with family - and, although maybe i knew to an extent, today i found out that you too, have had issues with an eating disorder.

I knew when we were close, that too an extent you struggled - but it was at the level where it didn't warrent treatment on the NHS - it was on the level, that only someone who had one, would ever pick up on it.
When i went away (5 years ago), thats where you were at - i found it hard to stay in touch, your ME was still bad, and found it equally hard to stay in touch. We drifted.

Today is the first time i have seen you since then - i am so glad we met up, i really am.
But maybe, i am also sad.

I am sad you are struggling so much (being now a 'healthy weight', but with thoughts still dominating your head) - and maybe i am sadder that i understand your struggle so very very well.
When you speak, it is like talking to a slightly younger me - i understand the way your thoughts are going - i understand why it is so hard to give it up - i understand how impossible it feels.
Worse still, I can not tell you that it will all be ok.

I have been a healthy weight for almost 3 years i think - yet every day is still a struggle.
My daily mantra is 'I can start loosing weight tomorrow', 'tomorrow you can start fixing yourself'.
Every day, i still think about food - sure, i may have the odd meal when i dont mind it, sometimes i have the thoughts and can 'talk back' too them, sometimes i can look in a mirror, and not detest my reflection. But other times, other times I still want to crawl out of my skin because i feel so disgusting. Other times, i cry myself to sleep, because i just dont want to keep fighting anymore - I am so very very tired of it.

So, it makes me sad that i can not make the world right for you.
It makes me sad that I can not fix the things I have never been able to fix for myself.
All I can do, is try too keep in touch - and let you come too me, so that once more, we can pick each other up.

direction!

Well, the summer has been absolutly mental!

I 'moved home' tho in honesty, have barley been back longer then a week at a time!

I did kentwell for 2 weeks (for those of you who dont know, i do tudor reenactment!) This year, dressed as a posh gentry girl, so i spent 2 weeks sewing, dancing, learning the viol and singing! (and perhaps drinking much by the campfire afterdark).

I then went to Dartington for 2 weeks, which is a music course down in Totnes (Devon), where i did lots and lots of early music and recorder stuff.
I found it very challenging, particularly as, due to my last bout of depression (from may onward), i hadn't really touched my recorders, nor had motivation to do anything.

I suppose even at the best of times, depression zaps all motivation and self worth.
This last bout made me question weather music is really what i should be doing - or rather, really weather im even capable of doing it.

I was very seriously considering packing it in - maybe it wasnt for me, maybe il never be good enough - maybe its not worth the hassel.

Dartington made me have to tackle that head on - i was thrown into masterclass situations (playing in front of people to be picked apart by tutors in public), playing with people who, in my head, were far beyond me. I had to do countless sessions of chamber music, sight reading and keeping up with the others. I had to do several concerts - all of which were on very little preparation (we are talking being asked a day or 2 in advance).

I spent the first day crying in private because i was petrified of being around so many new people - i had panic attacks. I spent many evenings on the phone to my boyfriend freaking out about 'not being good enough' or 'not being able to socialize'.
But - i stuck out the 2 weeks.

It was good for me really - it gave me time to think about things - things i hadnt even realised i did.
almost everyone i played with picked up on my confidence issues - and the fact i say sorry stupid amounts of times every time i play with people (one girl, who is an amazing player, and lovely was trying to help me with it - and stoped counting after i said it for the 10th time in a 5 minute session) - i even got threatened by one of my tutors with 'every time you say sorry, your buying me a drink'... i think i owe him quite a few!

I suppose that has made me question why im apologizing - and also making me realize, that if i want to be a confident player, that i have to stop being sorry for taking up space - i should be just as entitled to space as any other person! (ha, that's a royal F***K YOU to anorexia)

One of my other tutors also took the time out to have a drink with me, and chat about stuff. She asked many good questions - the most important being 'Why are you doing music?' and 'Do you really want to give it up because you dont like it, or is it just that your worried you wont succeed?'... that hits the nail on the head.

If i give it up now - i will be giving it up because im too scared to try and suceed.
I will be giving it up because im letting the 'I'm not good enough' voice take over.
I will be letting all the people who told me i was crap, or made me feel stupid, win.

I cant give it up - because i will always wonder weather, if i kept on trying, i could have gotten somewhere - weather i could ever have kept up with the people i trained with. weather i could ever have become 'good enough' for myself.

On the back of that realisation, i have started to make some changes.
The tutor who chatted to me, made the very accurate statement, that what is missing, is my confidence - and to have confidence, i need a strong and solid technique (as currently, i know what i want to do, but don't have the technique to do it!

So, with the help from my boyfriend (who i asked to help me), i am aiming for practice as follows...
1 hour a day, 6 days a week, with at least an extra 3 hours - totaling 9 hours minimum during the week.
He has also promised me a special present, if i get an extra 25 hours in before christmas!
This in its self, shouldn't be an issue, as i would like to be doing 2 hours a day, 6 days a week - at least.
I have decided, on my tutors instruction, to dedicate at least 45 min per day purely to technical practice.

Today, i went to my teacher (the one at college), as she owed me 2 hours that i didn't take at the end of last year - i paid for an extra 2 hours, but spent from 12-6 at hers having a full on day of lessons! Bloody hard work - but really good - this is the first time iv gotten on with her in a long time - and she really noticed how much iv changed in the way im working :)

I also did a Baroque dance course last week - which was great - too think, i have only been doing it 2 years - and i was doing the advanced dances, and one of the more confident people in the class - many positive comments, many people trying to get a spot behind me too copy me! - it is one place i feel proud of myself - because i have come a bloody long way, and boy, can i dance ;)

I do unfortunatly have all of my assignments and my recital to do in the 1st week of September - due to taking time out last term i basically have most of last years assessments to do!

I hope to God, that my depression sorts its self out soon, and doesn't keep coming back - i dont want my life ruled by it, or by PTSD, or self harm, or an eating disorder ever again - I want to get myself well, so that i can get on with my life.