To a dear friend...

I wish it could have been different for both of us.
I wish i'd stayed in touch, and been there to pick you up.
I wish that you would never have needed me to talk to.
I wish that we didn't share the understanding we have with each other - because it means that we are both far more damaged then any person should ever be.

You were a close friend - we had a good time - you were there for me when things were bad at home, I was around for you when you needed to rant, to talk about subjects that no one else knew even existed for you.

We both have similarities - we both were bullied (badly), we both self harmed, we both had abusive relationships, we both had issues with family - and, although maybe i knew to an extent, today i found out that you too, have had issues with an eating disorder.

I knew when we were close, that too an extent you struggled - but it was at the level where it didn't warrent treatment on the NHS - it was on the level, that only someone who had one, would ever pick up on it.
When i went away (5 years ago), thats where you were at - i found it hard to stay in touch, your ME was still bad, and found it equally hard to stay in touch. We drifted.

Today is the first time i have seen you since then - i am so glad we met up, i really am.
But maybe, i am also sad.

I am sad you are struggling so much (being now a 'healthy weight', but with thoughts still dominating your head) - and maybe i am sadder that i understand your struggle so very very well.
When you speak, it is like talking to a slightly younger me - i understand the way your thoughts are going - i understand why it is so hard to give it up - i understand how impossible it feels.
Worse still, I can not tell you that it will all be ok.

I have been a healthy weight for almost 3 years i think - yet every day is still a struggle.
My daily mantra is 'I can start loosing weight tomorrow', 'tomorrow you can start fixing yourself'.
Every day, i still think about food - sure, i may have the odd meal when i dont mind it, sometimes i have the thoughts and can 'talk back' too them, sometimes i can look in a mirror, and not detest my reflection. But other times, other times I still want to crawl out of my skin because i feel so disgusting. Other times, i cry myself to sleep, because i just dont want to keep fighting anymore - I am so very very tired of it.

So, it makes me sad that i can not make the world right for you.
It makes me sad that I can not fix the things I have never been able to fix for myself.
All I can do, is try too keep in touch - and let you come too me, so that once more, we can pick each other up.