a day full of tears

well, today was group day.

we haven't had it in 2 weeks due to the holidays, so it was the first time back in a while - and it was really, rather good to be back (?!!!)

good, but quite stressful really.

I actually get on with the group far better then i thought i ever would - for the most part, they are people to laugh with, people to cry with, i feel more open with them then i am anywhere else in my life really.
It sort of feels nice to be one of 'the girls' - feeling included is not really a feeling iv had very often - and its usually a feeling i'd run from - but it feels good.

today was pretty hard really - had my first review, in which i really didn't know what to say - people think im doing well, and being open, and making progress, which is good. I think i am making progress, i was talking to my counceler (i hadn't mentioned my review or how i was doing), and she said so too today - im 'not hanging around' - and she is right - i can not be bothered to waste any more time being ill - it does not define me, it will not be my life for another 13 years, so i am grabbing this therapy by the horns, and making a bloody good go of it.

I am sure i will come up against hard times there, and it really isn't a walk in the park - but m goodness, i am bloody determined that i will make it work, however i feel.

The thing that really got to me today, was the talk from others upon the subject of mothers and grandmothers. Mostly, people in group seemed to either have a good relationship with their mum, or their gran - they had a good relationship. I got very angry at them. i didnt want to listen to it, i didnt want to hear it - i wanted them to piss off. I was jealous. i AM jealous.
I had neither a good relationship with mum, nor my gran. I certainly have no fond memories to look back on and smile at. I am not angry at the people in group - i am angry that i never had that. I am angry that the two people who are meant to love and protect me, were the ones that either destroyed me, or passivly stood by and watched it happen.

Mum was not my mum. she didnt even have enough of a brain to think for herself. every descision was my grans, everything that my gran did was accepted.

Now, mum knows that she didn't protect me (not from me, from her own therapy), but instead of talking in an adult way, it is all 'i was a bad mother' 'oh what a bad person i am' 'i had a bad homelife'... not once has she really listened to me - she expects me to feel sorry for her, to congratulate her when she has a 'big' revelation - too be there understanding her, to carry on hating my gran like she does, too listen to her therapy tales.
It makes me angry.
I am not there to be her therapist - i am not there to hold her hand - i am not there to rub it better, and pick her up.
I am her daughter, not her therapist, and NOT her mother.

I know i sound horrible, but it is how i am feeling - maybe a bit bitter. if she had have been there for me, maybe i would wish to be there for her a bit more. but she wasn't. she isn't. i cant even ask her about stuff because she just goes off on a 'what a bad mum' rant.

I suppose, also, i am annoyed that she thinks she had it so bad - yes, my grandparents are crap, but she wasn't bullied at school constantly. she may have had home issues, but i had both school, and home - so excuse me if i dont want to be laying on the 'oh poor you's think and fast.

I know i am judging her - i know you cant ever judge a persons pain - but really, i am the one that has ended up with a bag full of mental health problems to deal with.

so yes, tough day - i have cried so much my eyes are hurting.

i was hoping mike would be around, but he's not, and i dont know when il see him again :s not the best feeling in the world when im feeling lonley and crap.

I really dont have friends around that i can hang out with - i wish that wasn't always the case :( x