Well,
another day, another time i find out about a friend who has ended up very ill.
A friend in birmingham ended up in an acute psychiatric unit 4 weeks ago, she is still there, i only found out last night.

I spoke to her today, will visit her on thursday.

It really makes me conscious of just how easy it would be to actually go through with the thoughts of suicide... it sounds bad, but i remember the safety in hospital - to know that you cant do anything even if you want to, just made it so much easier to deal with.

*i am not currently suicidal, so no alarm bells please*

sometimes, i look back on the times iv been horrendously down, and i wonder how i didn't act on my wishes. There have been many times when i have counted out collections of tablets. Many times when I stood on the edge of train platforms willing myself to have the guts to just jump.
Yet I never did. I wanted too, I needed too, but somewhere at the back of my mind was the guilt that i could potentially destroy my little sisters life.

To lots of people, that comes across as brave or caring.
to the mind of a depressed person, that is simply cowardice.

There are many times when I wish i had have done it. Fostered on occasion by the NHS's complete lack of help unless you are at the point of activley trying to top yourself.

A few months ago, I was depressed yet again, to the point where i dropped uni, i couldn't go out due to anxiety. all i did for weeks on end was cry and cry, and cry. There were times in those weeks where i called Samaritans at 3am because i had piles of tablets out in front of me, and so desperately wanted to take them. I lost touch with my friends, I cut a lot, I certainly wasn't managing life as a normal human being - yet, i was only offered 1 appointment during that time with the community team, they assessed me, faffed with my meds (once), and i haven't seen them since - infact my next appointment is helpfully at the end of January 2014! I have not even been given a follow up phonecall to see how these meds are treating me.
Had I have told them that after that appointment i was planning to kill myself, they may have taken it slightly more seriously. As it was, I told them about the thoughts, and the tablets, and they mearley suggested chucking the tablets away when i got home... that obviously didn't happen!

Sometimes i wish i had have had the guts, so i would have been given the help that my friend is now getting (yes i know to a normal person that is nuts)

Right now, i am fortunate.
I have group, and my parents help cover a councilor once a week.
I am determined that this will not continue to be my life.
I need to be better, and then i need to use my experiances to do something positive in the world x