its a 'meh' sort of an evening.

I suppose the title says it all.

I am feeling a bit pants.

My birthday was nice, i spent it with the boy, we went to the sealife centre, and ate sushi.

but today, i have memories and hurt washing through my head, at what seems like breakneck speed.


I dont know why, i dont really even know what. just immense pain for how much people let me down. How much people knew what was going on, and how little anybody took it upon themselves to help me.

was i that worthless?
did i mean that little that not one person bothered to try and stop what was going on?


people knew, far more then i ever realised. they saw it with their own eyes, and barley did a thing.
even when the head teacher found out about my self harm, she barley did a thing. my wrists were a mess, i was cutting up too 20 times a day (and always in groups of threes... thats 90 cuts). all she did was wince when she made me show her, and suggest that maybe i should talk to someone. she didn't bother to find out why i was doing it, didn't bother to look deep enough to see what was going on in her own school.

in primary school people saw, and again didn't bother to do anything.
someone even told mum that the bullying was really bad, and she did nothing.

i suppose that is the biggest betrayal of all.

my own mother. the person who is meant to love and protect me. did nothing.

it hurts :,-(

i want to cut. i am trying not too. my mind is constantly worried about body shape... i suppose im trying to blot out the thoughts with the 'safe' ways of dealing with them.
i feel like i haven't even realised how much shit i have left to shovel.