Birthday...

Well, it is sort of officially my birthday now... by 1 hour and 10 min.

I am feeling mixed.

I had a small gathering of mutual friends at Mikes house yesturday, which was nice. I didn't want it, because i was scared that no one would turn up. They did, and it was nice - but it seems that most birthdays spark memories of school, which leaves me feeling a bit wierd.
I have memories of my 8th or 9th birthday party, in which mum invited all of my class (which i had asked her not to do) and i just remember feeling like a spare part... mum admitted to me reacently, that she had realised that day why i had asked her not to invite them... apparently they were not particularly nice to me.

Many memories, many sad thoughts. Birthdays are not really happy occasions.

I dont even know how it is possible to work through all of this crap - I dont know where to start, and how to begin. I am sad, I want to cry.

It almost makes it worse that my flatmate is lovely. That sounds crazy, but i suppose it highlights just how shit things were. Maybe it wasn't my fault. Maybe i really just was incredibly unluchky. Either way, it is just not fare.

I feel tearful.

In comparison to last year, food wise, i am far better... or far fatter, it depends how you view it. Yesterday i realized that half of my cloths don't fit. It is doing my head in. I know I should feel proud of myself or somthing, but i would rather chuck myself off a building then be OK with this.

hmph. Glum beginnings to my day xxx