update

Well, I am sort of back on track with things.

Food is going better - I am getting back on track with the excuse to my head, that as long as i am eating healthily, I can eat a normal amount - afterall, if i am going to eat, it may as well be stuff my body actually needs - which is a BALANCED diet... not one skipping on carbs, or fat.
In a way, as frustrating as it was, not loosing any weight on my blip (grrrrrrr) probably helped me not to go backward as much as i could have done. Although frustrating, and a bit scary (have i suddenly lost my ability to get thin?!), it is probably better for me.

I am not happy at this weight, but I have to deal with it.
There should be more to my life then this.

I am also sort of back on track with college ish.
I am practicing again, and am *apparently* according to my teacher, doing well. My technique is coming on, and for the most part I am managing to practice, even on my worst days,

Being in 4th year is scary, and alongside group, and my depression, i am absolutely petrified that i wont get to the end of it. I am finding my motivation pretty non existent still, which makes me think that the antidepressants just aren't working as well as they should be.
What if it all screws up again?
What if I just cant keep this rather ridicules work load up?!
Group takes out a day, and counciling takes up 1/2 a day, so compared to everyone else, i am 1.5 days down, chuck in mental health issues and dyslexia on top, and it leaves me with very little room to feel like im keeping up.
fuck.

group is hard at the moment - i am feeling less motivation toward it, partly because i have to go into college strait after for 5 hours of class (yes, group 9-3, and then strait into college til 9.30). It is a stupid thing to do, it isn't leaving me with any room to process the shit that has happened in group, nor am i in the right headspace to benefit from my lessons (2 hour lecture, 1 hour recorder lesson, and 2 hours chamber coaching). Unfortunatly there is no way round it - and this is how it will be for the year.

to top it off, my teachers at college seem to be expecting me (as the oldest person there) to organise all rehearsals and extra department things. I cant deal with it - but my teacher just sees that as laziness.

Also, not having the best time in my house share.
Living with the landlady seems to equal me feeling like a 3rd wheel, and potential blame landing on me every time. 2 days ago, the sink in the kitchen blocked and sprang a leak. I cleaned it, unbloked it - all before she got back - and when i told her it was 'well, i need to know exactly what happened because i need to decide who gets billed'. she was implying that i had deliberatly put stuff down the sink and bloked it - which is ridiculas - and even if i had - the sink should not leak!!!

Its turning into a regular feature of life at number 42 :(

I mentioned it at group, and one of the therapists suggested that maybe its something im doing :,-( If it is, i have no idea what, and last year Jo told be she didnt know why i had issues, because she thought i was easy to live with.

I am feeling down. really down.