folk...!

video of one of our pieces...

hate this

feeling very very mixed up tonight :(

hungry, but dont want food, folk gig was nice, a few people i knew came, but i just feel totaly blah tonight.

doesnt help that i feel a bit shit with my period.

just felt very out of it socially. i feel like a social retard.

nothing new, just felt very much alone tonight. i never know who to talk to or what to say. i always worry that im saying the wrong thing, or that people are only talking to me because they have to, which makes me even less likely to talk to them.

iv had enough of feeling so alone, but it doesnt matter how many people i try and talk to, it never goes.

in a way doing this tour just makes feeling alone even more real. it just rubs it in. its easier when i can choose to be alone. that way it doesnt feel like its not a choice.

pants

blah.

well i just spent half an hour crying on my flatmate.

i dont really know why. saw lewis in the pub, made me feel lonley,
and eaten like a pig even tho i know i havent eaten enough

cant work it out, i piss me off sometimes.

have therapy tomorrow, done want it. dont want to get up tomorrow. want to sleep.

booooooo

things have been a little mixed (hence not really chatting)

ed has been louder then normal, and last therapy session she acctually asked what was going on with food (we have never focused on it before, normally we focas on everything else). so i had to keep a food diary (with thoughts n feelings) last week, and this weeks challenge is to plan my meals, and eat mindfully :( means im not meant to be eating walking (like i almost always do), or eat infront of the tv (like i do when im not walking)... apparently i should be focusing on my food when im eating, as otherwise its almost cheat eating... which was kinda the pointe, waaaaaayyyyy easier to eat when i dont think im eating. :(

i dont want to have to think about eating, i dont want to have to eat, and im not even sure i want to be better. i mean of course i want to be better, but i dont want to have to do the getting better bit. i just want to be there now!

tonight has been a bit scary, i have eaten plenty already today, yet my body is still hungry, and i dont want to eat any more because i dont want this many calories as it is, let alone more. i dont know what to make of it, i feel so bloody large :(

blah

why o why is being underweight such a pull?

it sucks, i know it sucks, yet i still want it. every day. i want it more then everything else and it makes no sense.