too much

sorry iv bee a little quiet latley

not really sure what to say.

my course was amazing, and i felt pretty good when i was there, but tonight i seem to be a bit crappy

have a appointemnt with francesca tomorrow, dont really want to go, but im worried about what will happen at the end of these sessions. there are only 6 left, and although i dont like her, i dont want to be left to my own devices. i am not 'better' what ever that word means. i dont want to go backwards, but i dont know how to move forwards.

part of me thinks i should stop seeing people and just get on with my life, but the other part of me knows its probably ed's way of finding a way in. if i dont see people, then it doesnt matter if i skip the odd meal etc etc etc

i guess im feeling a bit mixed.

i want to know what the plan is. weather thats all the help il get, or weather i can have other help. if it is it, i dont quite know how i will manage the more stressed i get at college. it could go either way, but im already finding things hard (as usual)

im fed up of thinking about life in calories and weight, but im too scared to stop.

part of me is desperate not to let go right now, even though i know it is not helping me anymore, and i dont know how to work through it.

so my homework was to think about how much i want to change, and how much i feel confident to change...

a little bit of me wants to change... maybe 3 out of 10, and confidence that i can change? thats a 0.

but if i say that to her, then she may just stop seeing me strait away, and i cant decide if its a good or a bad thing..

fed up of everythig at the moment.

lots of thoughts

hello lovelies,

well its been a weird few days.

i have been up and out, trying to not mope around at home!

had group on wednesday - the last one before a 2 week break.
it was useful, but it really did hammer home quite how stuck i am in reguards to taking things on bored, and trusting others enough to change.

the thing is, im not quite sure how to change it. i know that the walls i have put up need to come down, but that would mean i need to stop 'protecting' myself, and i dont feel like i can at the moment - it feels too vulnarable.

its mainly to do with trusting that people arent going to hurt me. if i let people see the real me, without food masking everything, or if i listen enough to actually care about what people say, without having food as my distraction, then i could really get hurt again.

i guess school/family taught me that people are only going to be nasty, so why risk that when i dont feel strong enough too deal with it all over again?

i know logically i should know that things are different now, but i can not deal with the risk right now. i feel crap enough as it is. i put food/self harm in the way to stop myself being so close to the edge. take it away and i dont know that i could cope enough to stay alive.


i know that sounds dramatic. i dont mean it too, but that is honestly how it feels.

im struggling a lot with body image at the moment, and i honestly dont understand how other people cant see how heavy i have become. it breaches all logic, and all ways i usually think, but i seem to be on a compleatly different planet when i look at myself, or feel my body shape. to me it honest to god looks like an obese person, and i feel so heavy walking around. how can it not be real when it is so real to me?

im finding it hard, because i just want to do something about it. im not asking much, i just want to be aloud to loose a stone, and then it wouldnt feel so bad... the problem is, i know that my head it talking crap i think?!

im so confused with it all.

i wasnt aloud to swap therapists, the appointment was useless. he told me to carry on and id build a relationship with her - after 6 months, i feel its highly unlikley. he also said i didnt have an infinate number of sessions, so should find out how long i have left... im going to waste the remainding funding on something that isnt helpful.
it makes me angry and worried. i dont want it not to be working, but i dont know how to make it work. i dont know how to trust her, i dont know how to take it on bored, and im seriously starting to doubt that CBT is going to be useful while i am feeling this stuck with the idea of dropping my guard, but then what can anyone do to help that? its all me, but i dont know what i can do about it.

i just want somebody to find a way to help. :,-(

have my friends hen do tomorrow. more food to eat infront of people, more new people to meet, and the crowds of london. its a panick attack waiting to happen. im hoping if i drink enough, i can ignore everything... fingers crossed!

update

tell me it can be different
to how it is right now,
that things will be far better
when i have learnt just how

to make myself all happy
and leave this life behind
to love myself whole heartedly
to like and to be kind

right now it seems impossible
that i will ever change
the days seem to get darker
and i get more deranged

my thoughts become unbearable
the tears, they never stop
i make everyone feel better
but wish that i could swap

this life with someone elses
too make all of this a dream
so i could keep on going
without splitting at the seam

i tried to ask for help today
was a pointless thing to do.
no one ever listens,
i wasted their time too


bit of a crap day. appointment was useless, i want to give up.

on the up side, i bought myself 2 little dwarf hamsters as a distracton befor the appointment, so at least there is something nice.

been curled up on the sofa all evening feeling sorry for myself and wanting to cry

bed time x