too much

sorry iv bee a little quiet latley

not really sure what to say.

my course was amazing, and i felt pretty good when i was there, but tonight i seem to be a bit crappy

have a appointemnt with francesca tomorrow, dont really want to go, but im worried about what will happen at the end of these sessions. there are only 6 left, and although i dont like her, i dont want to be left to my own devices. i am not 'better' what ever that word means. i dont want to go backwards, but i dont know how to move forwards.

part of me thinks i should stop seeing people and just get on with my life, but the other part of me knows its probably ed's way of finding a way in. if i dont see people, then it doesnt matter if i skip the odd meal etc etc etc

i guess im feeling a bit mixed.

i want to know what the plan is. weather thats all the help il get, or weather i can have other help. if it is it, i dont quite know how i will manage the more stressed i get at college. it could go either way, but im already finding things hard (as usual)

im fed up of thinking about life in calories and weight, but im too scared to stop.

part of me is desperate not to let go right now, even though i know it is not helping me anymore, and i dont know how to work through it.

so my homework was to think about how much i want to change, and how much i feel confident to change...

a little bit of me wants to change... maybe 3 out of 10, and confidence that i can change? thats a 0.

but if i say that to her, then she may just stop seeing me strait away, and i cant decide if its a good or a bad thing..

fed up of everythig at the moment.