lots of thoughts

hello lovelies,

well its been a weird few days.

i have been up and out, trying to not mope around at home!

had group on wednesday - the last one before a 2 week break.
it was useful, but it really did hammer home quite how stuck i am in reguards to taking things on bored, and trusting others enough to change.

the thing is, im not quite sure how to change it. i know that the walls i have put up need to come down, but that would mean i need to stop 'protecting' myself, and i dont feel like i can at the moment - it feels too vulnarable.

its mainly to do with trusting that people arent going to hurt me. if i let people see the real me, without food masking everything, or if i listen enough to actually care about what people say, without having food as my distraction, then i could really get hurt again.

i guess school/family taught me that people are only going to be nasty, so why risk that when i dont feel strong enough too deal with it all over again?

i know logically i should know that things are different now, but i can not deal with the risk right now. i feel crap enough as it is. i put food/self harm in the way to stop myself being so close to the edge. take it away and i dont know that i could cope enough to stay alive.


i know that sounds dramatic. i dont mean it too, but that is honestly how it feels.

im struggling a lot with body image at the moment, and i honestly dont understand how other people cant see how heavy i have become. it breaches all logic, and all ways i usually think, but i seem to be on a compleatly different planet when i look at myself, or feel my body shape. to me it honest to god looks like an obese person, and i feel so heavy walking around. how can it not be real when it is so real to me?

im finding it hard, because i just want to do something about it. im not asking much, i just want to be aloud to loose a stone, and then it wouldnt feel so bad... the problem is, i know that my head it talking crap i think?!

im so confused with it all.

i wasnt aloud to swap therapists, the appointment was useless. he told me to carry on and id build a relationship with her - after 6 months, i feel its highly unlikley. he also said i didnt have an infinate number of sessions, so should find out how long i have left... im going to waste the remainding funding on something that isnt helpful.
it makes me angry and worried. i dont want it not to be working, but i dont know how to make it work. i dont know how to trust her, i dont know how to take it on bored, and im seriously starting to doubt that CBT is going to be useful while i am feeling this stuck with the idea of dropping my guard, but then what can anyone do to help that? its all me, but i dont know what i can do about it.

i just want somebody to find a way to help. :,-(

have my friends hen do tomorrow. more food to eat infront of people, more new people to meet, and the crowds of london. its a panick attack waiting to happen. im hoping if i drink enough, i can ignore everything... fingers crossed!