well so far today has been SHIT.
i was finding breakfast hard, but was eating it. they bloody have a time limit of half an hour, for cerial with milk, orange juice, tea, and 2 slices of bread with butter, its a lot to fit in!
so, i got to my last half a slice of toast, and then got made to have 2 bloody suppliments on top of that because i didnt finish my meal =-(
thats like 2 meals.
so, i spent the next hour crying, and trying to sneak off to throw up, and crying some more, and feeling very very very sick. i did keep it down, and aftedr 2 hours, it has finally started to settle, but i was not feeling happy, and am shit scared of lunch now.
not enjoying this.
Sunday, 29 August 2010
Friday, 27 August 2010
in patient...
well, i was thinking today would be nice and uneventful... i was wrong.
instead of waiting for teusday, i was called at 11.30 to be offered an admission today to ip. so at 2 i was checked in, and here i am....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel very guilty for being here, im not ill in comparison to the girls here, they are all tiny tiny.
been told it will probably be a 4 week thing, so not long, tho im a bit worried it wont be long enough,guess il wait and see.
freaked out over dinner... fish and chips n veg, wish i was at home just having the stir fry i had planned, was doing so well at not eating today =-(
still, not eating isnt exactly doing me good is it, so i guess this is for the best.
have to use this, get on top of things and start fighting x
instead of waiting for teusday, i was called at 11.30 to be offered an admission today to ip. so at 2 i was checked in, and here i am....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel very guilty for being here, im not ill in comparison to the girls here, they are all tiny tiny.
been told it will probably be a 4 week thing, so not long, tho im a bit worried it wont be long enough,guess il wait and see.
freaked out over dinner... fish and chips n veg, wish i was at home just having the stir fry i had planned, was doing so well at not eating today =-(
still, not eating isnt exactly doing me good is it, so i guess this is for the best.
have to use this, get on top of things and start fighting x
Thursday, 26 August 2010
weird day
so, today i seemed to pick as the day to have an amazingly stupid freak out about life... what a clever girly i am.
i mean, dont get me wrong, this was ridiculas. i just felt shit, as per usual, and frustrated, as per usual, and persuaded by a friend i rang up the ed place and told them... why am i so stupid?!!!
so, having been told no appointments till next thursday, i asked if there was no way of talking to someone. the registrar called me,and after a chat, asked if i could come in today for a chat... spent an hour talking/crying to him, and then got bloods and weight (went down more then i thought). then pam called and told me she was around if i wanted to see her sooner, and spent another bloody hour and 40 crying in her room...
end result? they are going to discuss tomorrow in there meeting weather inpatient is a possible option, or what else they could offer.
she did say i could go back to daycare, but to be honest i think that would be pointless, il just lie my way through it, would be a waste of their time. also have the option of just seeing her and a diatician once a week... could give it a go, just worried that il do the same old things.
have been told to come in on teusday morning at 10 for an appointment with the doctor i saw today to discuss my options, and for him to make sure im ok, and he also upped my anti depressants to 60mg.
not sure how im feeling about it all, will wait and see what tuesday brings, but im very tempted to call tomorrow and tell them not to bother talking about it, as i feel like the worlds biggest idiot right now, im sure il be fine!
ga, all mixed up...views appreciated!
i mean, dont get me wrong, this was ridiculas. i just felt shit, as per usual, and frustrated, as per usual, and persuaded by a friend i rang up the ed place and told them... why am i so stupid?!!!
so, having been told no appointments till next thursday, i asked if there was no way of talking to someone. the registrar called me,and after a chat, asked if i could come in today for a chat... spent an hour talking/crying to him, and then got bloods and weight (went down more then i thought). then pam called and told me she was around if i wanted to see her sooner, and spent another bloody hour and 40 crying in her room...
end result? they are going to discuss tomorrow in there meeting weather inpatient is a possible option, or what else they could offer.
she did say i could go back to daycare, but to be honest i think that would be pointless, il just lie my way through it, would be a waste of their time. also have the option of just seeing her and a diatician once a week... could give it a go, just worried that il do the same old things.
have been told to come in on teusday morning at 10 for an appointment with the doctor i saw today to discuss my options, and for him to make sure im ok, and he also upped my anti depressants to 60mg.
not sure how im feeling about it all, will wait and see what tuesday brings, but im very tempted to call tomorrow and tell them not to bother talking about it, as i feel like the worlds biggest idiot right now, im sure il be fine!
ga, all mixed up...views appreciated!
Saturday, 21 August 2010
i am THAT bored...
... that i have resorted to tidying up too abba...
cabin fever! i am really surprisingly social, i never realised, but living alone is hell!
no wonder my mood has been shit lately, i am NOT good company!
the bitch of it is, im pretty desperate to go and eat something because im hungry, but can i? can i hell... not good, shouldnt be like this anymore, but guess what, i still am.
i dont know why im like this again. i dont know why im so scared that 200kcal may suddenly stick close to my stomach and make me obese... i know its all a pile of crap and doesnt happen like that, but i cant get it out of my head enough to eat.
iv eaten a lot more then i was going to today because i went out with becs, and obviously i have to eat with her, n i had a little bit for dinner too. id ay around 800kcal today, but even that seems like a crazy amount, and my head is furiously trying to work out how i should compensate for it... to which the logical answer is 'DONT YOU IDIOT, GO EAT A SANDWHICH!!!'
i want to just snap out of this, and get on with having a life, just cant seem to find a way. 10 bloody years and it feels like the habbit is to engrained to get out of it for any length of time.
makes me wonder.
i know im messing around with food coz im feeling pretty shitty, but then, whats new?! at least i got out of the house today, and managed to do a little more housework, but given the option id have still rathered hid under the covers =s
i need to ask to see a different therapist. the more i think of going back to pam, the more i cant imagine ever being able to change things. she just freaks me out!
i think it also scared me with the lack of personal space that seems to go with this EMDR thing, i mean, i get panick attacks in bloody train stations, let alone sitting right next to someone tapping your legs while you have your eyes closed!
the ironique thing is, i have no problem with sex, so why i get nerves being up close to someone in that situation makes no sense. still, im sure she would string together a load of answers for me... maybe im just pissed off she thinks she knows everything, and its all down to my new diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder... which in my head is not quite making sense... me not being comfortable with her tapping my legs is NOT ptsd!
blah, i dont know, il find the guts somehow of asking too change... i hope... (any kicks up the arse would be much welcome).
i wish we had a reboot button, would be so useful right now =-(
cabin fever! i am really surprisingly social, i never realised, but living alone is hell!
no wonder my mood has been shit lately, i am NOT good company!
the bitch of it is, im pretty desperate to go and eat something because im hungry, but can i? can i hell... not good, shouldnt be like this anymore, but guess what, i still am.
i dont know why im like this again. i dont know why im so scared that 200kcal may suddenly stick close to my stomach and make me obese... i know its all a pile of crap and doesnt happen like that, but i cant get it out of my head enough to eat.
iv eaten a lot more then i was going to today because i went out with becs, and obviously i have to eat with her, n i had a little bit for dinner too. id ay around 800kcal today, but even that seems like a crazy amount, and my head is furiously trying to work out how i should compensate for it... to which the logical answer is 'DONT YOU IDIOT, GO EAT A SANDWHICH!!!'
i want to just snap out of this, and get on with having a life, just cant seem to find a way. 10 bloody years and it feels like the habbit is to engrained to get out of it for any length of time.
makes me wonder.
i know im messing around with food coz im feeling pretty shitty, but then, whats new?! at least i got out of the house today, and managed to do a little more housework, but given the option id have still rathered hid under the covers =s
i need to ask to see a different therapist. the more i think of going back to pam, the more i cant imagine ever being able to change things. she just freaks me out!
i think it also scared me with the lack of personal space that seems to go with this EMDR thing, i mean, i get panick attacks in bloody train stations, let alone sitting right next to someone tapping your legs while you have your eyes closed!
the ironique thing is, i have no problem with sex, so why i get nerves being up close to someone in that situation makes no sense. still, im sure she would string together a load of answers for me... maybe im just pissed off she thinks she knows everything, and its all down to my new diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder... which in my head is not quite making sense... me not being comfortable with her tapping my legs is NOT ptsd!
blah, i dont know, il find the guts somehow of asking too change... i hope... (any kicks up the arse would be much welcome).
i wish we had a reboot button, would be so useful right now =-(
Thursday, 19 August 2010
how predictable i am...
so, here i go again...
it feels like im going round a roller coaster yet again.
my depression is most deffinatly around again... today i stayed in bed as long as i could, got up, tried to do the washing up but sat staring at the floor sitting on the sofa till my appointment... i feel flat.
its so silly, some really good things have happened, but all i feel is that i dont really care because nothing feels good right now.
i got a place on the music and health elective (only 10 get a place out of the hole year, and it was by interview), and iv been asked to join a medeival group. both of these i should be exstatic about, but i can even smile about them because they dont mean anything.
i had my sister up, and instead of feeling like i had a nice time, i feel like a fat fucker because i ate a ton. i was trying to be normal, but i feel so shit about it that i dont think it really worked.
i dont think im managing to keep my intake up as much as i should be, and iv thrown up most days this week, just like always...
even when i was 'better', i wasnt better, and its starting to make me think i will never get better. maybe this is it, maybe this is life for me... i hope not, but i cant see another way.
went to visit becca in ip, and it was lovely to see her, missed her a lot, but we got talking and she asked if i thought ip would help (to which i said it would be worth a go), and then she said maybe i should ask (its what she did i think)... however i will never be able to ask for it. i feel pretty stupid asking for anything because im not that ill. i wish i could go there, just for someone else to have control for a bit, to get me started, as every time i try and do it alone it fails miserably, and day care i couldnt manage it properly (just lied about what id eaten and hid food because i couldnt not). i want an escape but it feels like every attempt i make, i mess up, and i dont know how the hell to get myself out of it.
had another session with pam, it was awkward and weird. it was the begining of emdr, but i couldnt get into it (trying to make a safe place apparently, by me shutting my eyes and imagining sweden while she tapped my knees). i felt really uncomfortable doing it, and when i said why she said it was just because of my 'ptsd'... still didnt change that feeling!
i dont know, i cant really be honest with her, and find her just odd. im considering asking if i can try seeing someone else instead, but i dont know how to ask.
in all honesty all i want to do is hide in bed for a few weeks. that aught to sort me out!
it feels like im going round a roller coaster yet again.
my depression is most deffinatly around again... today i stayed in bed as long as i could, got up, tried to do the washing up but sat staring at the floor sitting on the sofa till my appointment... i feel flat.
its so silly, some really good things have happened, but all i feel is that i dont really care because nothing feels good right now.
i got a place on the music and health elective (only 10 get a place out of the hole year, and it was by interview), and iv been asked to join a medeival group. both of these i should be exstatic about, but i can even smile about them because they dont mean anything.
i had my sister up, and instead of feeling like i had a nice time, i feel like a fat fucker because i ate a ton. i was trying to be normal, but i feel so shit about it that i dont think it really worked.
i dont think im managing to keep my intake up as much as i should be, and iv thrown up most days this week, just like always...
even when i was 'better', i wasnt better, and its starting to make me think i will never get better. maybe this is it, maybe this is life for me... i hope not, but i cant see another way.
went to visit becca in ip, and it was lovely to see her, missed her a lot, but we got talking and she asked if i thought ip would help (to which i said it would be worth a go), and then she said maybe i should ask (its what she did i think)... however i will never be able to ask for it. i feel pretty stupid asking for anything because im not that ill. i wish i could go there, just for someone else to have control for a bit, to get me started, as every time i try and do it alone it fails miserably, and day care i couldnt manage it properly (just lied about what id eaten and hid food because i couldnt not). i want an escape but it feels like every attempt i make, i mess up, and i dont know how the hell to get myself out of it.
had another session with pam, it was awkward and weird. it was the begining of emdr, but i couldnt get into it (trying to make a safe place apparently, by me shutting my eyes and imagining sweden while she tapped my knees). i felt really uncomfortable doing it, and when i said why she said it was just because of my 'ptsd'... still didnt change that feeling!
i dont know, i cant really be honest with her, and find her just odd. im considering asking if i can try seeing someone else instead, but i dont know how to ask.
in all honesty all i want to do is hide in bed for a few weeks. that aught to sort me out!
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
socially inept?
so, today i went out, with muy little sister to a friends birthday gathering.
it was nice, i mean, everyone was chatty and talkative, but i cant help feeling like i dont fit in.
i feel so uncomfortable being out and talking.
i talk because im scared of looking nerves/like a looser, yet i come away feeling so alone that it was a pointless effort.
in my head im wondering if they thought i was stupid, an idiot, horrible, weird... im wondering if i looked like a greedy pig eating a bit of birthday cake, or if i looked fat. im wondering if i should ever try and socialise again, because it feels like i fail miserably at it.
i wish i felt more comfortable being around people, but it feels like torture. i hate being alone, and feeling by myself, but im so petrafied of peoples reactions that it feels more comfotable feeling sad and alone, then risking being upset.
im so scared these situations will turn into school ones, even tho i know thats ridiculas. when im in crowds, i panic because at school crowds only meant being beaten up or verbally tortured. when i have to introduce myself, im petrafied that people will dislike me for no apparent reason, just because im me... i dont know how to unthink these things, and im scared to try incase its all true anyway.
tonight im feeling pretty low. my sisters asleep in the next room, and im wishing i was alone so i could purge/cut/cry as much as i needed. im wishing i wasnt like this at all. wish i just wasnt here =-(
it was nice, i mean, everyone was chatty and talkative, but i cant help feeling like i dont fit in.
i feel so uncomfortable being out and talking.
i talk because im scared of looking nerves/like a looser, yet i come away feeling so alone that it was a pointless effort.
in my head im wondering if they thought i was stupid, an idiot, horrible, weird... im wondering if i looked like a greedy pig eating a bit of birthday cake, or if i looked fat. im wondering if i should ever try and socialise again, because it feels like i fail miserably at it.
i wish i felt more comfortable being around people, but it feels like torture. i hate being alone, and feeling by myself, but im so petrafied of peoples reactions that it feels more comfotable feeling sad and alone, then risking being upset.
im so scared these situations will turn into school ones, even tho i know thats ridiculas. when im in crowds, i panic because at school crowds only meant being beaten up or verbally tortured. when i have to introduce myself, im petrafied that people will dislike me for no apparent reason, just because im me... i dont know how to unthink these things, and im scared to try incase its all true anyway.
tonight im feeling pretty low. my sisters asleep in the next room, and im wishing i was alone so i could purge/cut/cry as much as i needed. im wishing i wasnt like this at all. wish i just wasnt here =-(
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