so, here i go again...
it feels like im going round a roller coaster yet again.
my depression is most deffinatly around again... today i stayed in bed as long as i could, got up, tried to do the washing up but sat staring at the floor sitting on the sofa till my appointment... i feel flat.
its so silly, some really good things have happened, but all i feel is that i dont really care because nothing feels good right now.
i got a place on the music and health elective (only 10 get a place out of the hole year, and it was by interview), and iv been asked to join a medeival group. both of these i should be exstatic about, but i can even smile about them because they dont mean anything.
i had my sister up, and instead of feeling like i had a nice time, i feel like a fat fucker because i ate a ton. i was trying to be normal, but i feel so shit about it that i dont think it really worked.
i dont think im managing to keep my intake up as much as i should be, and iv thrown up most days this week, just like always...
even when i was 'better', i wasnt better, and its starting to make me think i will never get better. maybe this is it, maybe this is life for me... i hope not, but i cant see another way.
went to visit becca in ip, and it was lovely to see her, missed her a lot, but we got talking and she asked if i thought ip would help (to which i said it would be worth a go), and then she said maybe i should ask (its what she did i think)... however i will never be able to ask for it. i feel pretty stupid asking for anything because im not that ill. i wish i could go there, just for someone else to have control for a bit, to get me started, as every time i try and do it alone it fails miserably, and day care i couldnt manage it properly (just lied about what id eaten and hid food because i couldnt not). i want an escape but it feels like every attempt i make, i mess up, and i dont know how the hell to get myself out of it.
had another session with pam, it was awkward and weird. it was the begining of emdr, but i couldnt get into it (trying to make a safe place apparently, by me shutting my eyes and imagining sweden while she tapped my knees). i felt really uncomfortable doing it, and when i said why she said it was just because of my 'ptsd'... still didnt change that feeling!
i dont know, i cant really be honest with her, and find her just odd. im considering asking if i can try seeing someone else instead, but i dont know how to ask.
in all honesty all i want to do is hide in bed for a few weeks. that aught to sort me out!
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