... that i have resorted to tidying up too abba...
cabin fever! i am really surprisingly social, i never realised, but living alone is hell!
no wonder my mood has been shit lately, i am NOT good company!
the bitch of it is, im pretty desperate to go and eat something because im hungry, but can i? can i hell... not good, shouldnt be like this anymore, but guess what, i still am.
i dont know why im like this again. i dont know why im so scared that 200kcal may suddenly stick close to my stomach and make me obese... i know its all a pile of crap and doesnt happen like that, but i cant get it out of my head enough to eat.
iv eaten a lot more then i was going to today because i went out with becs, and obviously i have to eat with her, n i had a little bit for dinner too. id ay around 800kcal today, but even that seems like a crazy amount, and my head is furiously trying to work out how i should compensate for it... to which the logical answer is 'DONT YOU IDIOT, GO EAT A SANDWHICH!!!'
i want to just snap out of this, and get on with having a life, just cant seem to find a way. 10 bloody years and it feels like the habbit is to engrained to get out of it for any length of time.
makes me wonder.
i know im messing around with food coz im feeling pretty shitty, but then, whats new?! at least i got out of the house today, and managed to do a little more housework, but given the option id have still rathered hid under the covers =s
i need to ask to see a different therapist. the more i think of going back to pam, the more i cant imagine ever being able to change things. she just freaks me out!
i think it also scared me with the lack of personal space that seems to go with this EMDR thing, i mean, i get panick attacks in bloody train stations, let alone sitting right next to someone tapping your legs while you have your eyes closed!
the ironique thing is, i have no problem with sex, so why i get nerves being up close to someone in that situation makes no sense. still, im sure she would string together a load of answers for me... maybe im just pissed off she thinks she knows everything, and its all down to my new diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder... which in my head is not quite making sense... me not being comfortable with her tapping my legs is NOT ptsd!
blah, i dont know, il find the guts somehow of asking too change... i hope... (any kicks up the arse would be much welcome).
i wish we had a reboot button, would be so useful right now =-(
you dont have to have leg tapping in emmdr.....i never have....she should be at a distance which is comfortable with you....tht might be as far away as possible or up close....it depends how it is for you....
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