day 2 and 3 iof photoe challenge

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

there are a few people who should go here, but im restricted with pics i have!
Em, i think your one who should be here too!



Me and Louise, known since year 6!



me and laura, amazing support for a very very long time1


Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

tricky one but....



HOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE!!!!

boo

Gah

my head is a mess

i hate food...ed...thinking.

food hasnt been going wonderfully latley, and today the therapist brought it up for the first time. normally we focus on other things, but she asked how i had been with all the stress going on at the mo... i dont know what made her ask this week and not a few weeks back, but she did!

i was honest with her, and she wants me to keep a food/thoughts diary to challenge how i think about food.

the problem is, im not sure i want to challenge it.

i know i need to, but there is still so much of me that wants to loose weight that i dont know how i feel about eating normally. even if it doesnt make me gain a ton, its still a lot of food, and i dont think i need to have that much. iv lived this long without.

what frustrates me is that im already unable to concentrate and cold, and i really havent been restricting that much, or doing it for that long. how is it my body is already being a twat about it?

it makes me so frustrated that you cant be thin AND have a life/be happy etc etc etc. it seems unfair that everyone else is aloud to get to the weights they want.

blah

30 day photoe challenge...

i came across it today, so here goes!

day 1... A picture of yourself with ten facts



1) i want 3 children when i 'grow up'

2) im learning the harp as a hobby... its fun!

3) i love Hugh Laurie in house...!

4) im taking up a childhood dream and doing ballet classes... i have my first pair of pointe shoes!

5) i have 2 pet rats called Merlin and Arther

6) i listen to harry potter books read by stephan fry to get to sleep at night

7) i love sitting in the sun in the countryside alone

8) i can get my feet behind my head!

9) i think recorders are cooooool!

10) im late for a rehearsal... got to dash!!!

More to life...

thats all i can think tonight...]

there has got to be more to life than this!!!

my head has been going mental at me all day... to eat, not to eat, to excercise, to weight myself, to stop comfort eating (but stuff my face to make myself feel even worse) etc etc etc....

there has to be something better than these thoughts for the rest of my life.

i dont know why i care so much, its only weight, its not a big deal, no one else will see the kg that sprang up overnight, its not like you walk around with it tattooed on your head for everyone to see. its just me who knows it, and really it shouldnt matter this much!

its to easy to get sucked into this minuscule world, when there is so much more on the outside. if only i were brave enough to lock the door on this, and live in the real world.

iv felt so panicky and sad becasue of food and weight today, but why do i bother? i know il feel like this when i think about it, you would think id learn that not thinking about it would be sensible!!!

its definatly an evening when im going 'LA LA LA I CANT HEAR YOU>...'

so, fuck of ed, get your own life, and stop taking up mine >.>

back from music course!

im now back in birmingham (tho not staying here long, physio appointment and then watford!)

the course wasnt tooooo bad, i was releived to hear the others were just as under prepared as i was!

found food a little difficult. i dont know if it was her serving massive portions, or me under eating, but i didnt really get to the end of my plate... but she kept serving me just as much, felt very wasteful! everyone else ate more, but im not used to eating that regularly any more, so felt like i was eating to much. she got the hint with desserts, and served me 'charlotte' sized portions! i dont think i did too badly tho, i mean with dessert etc it would have added up to normal meal sizes i think.

she wound me up a little (has a habbit of doing that!), she wont accept that my lower pitch treble (which is slightly bigger), is too big for me. she keeps telling me i should build up my playing time, but when you have had repetative strain injury, it doesnt really work like that! it just hurts my wrists every time i play it :(

i recorded both bits of the master class i was in, and i listened to them last night, i think it will be useful to have them, and also i listened to my playing, and its not as bad as i was convinced it was!

the other crazy scary thing is that my teacher now wants me to go in for my LTCL at christmas :shock: for those of you who dont know, its a diploma, thats meant to be the equivilent in performance standered as the end of your undergrad at music college (so 4th year)... i know iv taken a year out, but il only be in second year, and quite frankly i wasnt with it enough in first year (or the bit of second year i was in) to have improved like i should have done... it seems like a crazy thing to aim for, bit she is pretty convinced.

i dont know, in first year the others were always like 'you cant play that, im in 4th year and playing it, your only in 1st year', so to do all of this music which i generally associate with 4thyears and postgrads seem mental!!! im not good enough to be doing this yet :-?

Passover

well, we had a seder meal tonight (i think a night early!), was nice.
we are such bad jews, not only was it not on the right night, we had matzah (the crackers that replace bread as you cant eat leavened bread), which specifically said on the box NOT FOR PASSOVER... all we needed would have been a ham n cheese sadwhich and a few prawns!

it does raise some interesting questions.

the hole basis of the festival is celebrating that god had set us free from slavery in egypt. that he looked after us, stuck up for us, and helped us.

i cant help but wonder why we celebrate this, when for thousands of years, we have been kicked about from country to country, never having had a safe place to settle (even isreal now is so volatile that i cant help thinking its silly it being there).

i dont know, sitting at the table celebrating gods love and greatness when im sat next to my grandpa, who came over on kinda transport, and who's entire family were pretty much wiped out in the halacaust just really brings things to the fore front of my mind

why are we still trying to beleive in god when all that has gone on?

part of me really wants to learn about judaism. i really do want to know about everything, about the views held, the explanations. i dont know that i will ever be religiouse, but i know if i was, it would have to be judaism. my family has been through too much for me to ever give it up to something else.

im thinking of contacting the local liberal synagogue in birmingham. i want to go, im scared of meeting new people, but i want to learn about my routes, and the beleifs held. i want to ask all the questions that i have to someone who can give me answers.

! x

)(*&$$£^%&&*^%$^&*^&^%$ flatmate twatface

o what an eventful day!!!

sooooooo, my mum came up to help me finish moving my stuff, which to my knowlege should have been how i left it, in my room, in piles etc etc...

so, i opend the door, and together with a note telling me how i owe her money (even tho she must owe me over £150 for the internet), i find my stuff shoved into boxes... sounds lovely and considerate, if it wasnt for the fact she has wrecked a lot of my stuff doing it, and BEEN THROUGH MY ROOM.

the things im most annoyed about are my posters from the shows in edinburgh, and my recovery poster and door sighn i made in IP, which are both ripped and creased because she put them at the bottom of a box and piled everything on top of them.

its not like i had to move out now, i still had another 3 weeks of tennancy left. it feels really quite intrusive and spiteful.

whats more, she didnt even have the guts to tell me what she had done.

her excuse is 'i needed to get the cleaner in now, because im away'... she should have left it to me, she knew i was coming back to sort my stuff out. she should have left it where it was.

come to think of it, my dictaphone which was there, i havent seen. need to check where the hell that has gone.

i could happily batter her today =-(

blah

well, long time to speak!

thing have been tiring to say the least!
on a positive, i have my first pair of pointe shoes *yay*, and had a 2 hour class of baroque dance last week, which was AMAZING! i want to learn more!!! bloody good work out too!
im mostly moved house now, not organised, very broke and need to find 3 new peices to play and perfect by the 18th... sometimes i hate being a musician.

i often wonder why im trying. i dont feel like i will manage it, i really dont. i hate my playing, there is so much that needs work, but the more i work, the more needs doing. its a never ending search for something that is completely unattainable.
im so worried about not doing well. not getting a first,or worse still, getting one but still not being a good performer. what if i am always going to be this bad?

i hate not knowing what will happen in my future.

needless to say food is mixed. i feel like im eating like a pig, but its usually ony around 1200, i cant beleive im saying only to that. logically i know it should be more, but im not loosing weight, so it cant be that bad. sometimes i wish i was.

its so frustrating. i want it all. i want to be thin, and pretty. i want the numbers lower then they have ever been, but i also want to learn to dance well. to be good at music, art, everything. i want to feel my bones but have the concentration to study and the energy to move, but the two cant be here at the same time. i have to settle for one. i wish it was as easy as it sounds.

i just feel so unconfident with my music, that i wish i wasnt studying it. life would be so much easier.

im shitting it about this music course. its run by annabel, and im not prepared. i never am, but it doesnt matter how much practice i do, i am never ready. what if im the worst one there? what if i cant get these 3 peices together? (i havent even chosen them yet). what if im not good enough to be at music college, and this is all just a big mistake? what if i fail?

i know this is why i am finding food harder at the moment. the escape rout from all the what ifs is dangling right in front of me, but if i take it, it only leaves me to work all this out at a later date.

sometimes i wish all of this didnt ever cross my mind.

i hate being this scared of failing.