well, long time to speak!
thing have been tiring to say the least!
on a positive, i have my first pair of pointe shoes *yay*, and had a 2 hour class of baroque dance last week, which was AMAZING! i want to learn more!!! bloody good work out too!
im mostly moved house now, not organised, very broke and need to find 3 new peices to play and perfect by the 18th... sometimes i hate being a musician.
i often wonder why im trying. i dont feel like i will manage it, i really dont. i hate my playing, there is so much that needs work, but the more i work, the more needs doing. its a never ending search for something that is completely unattainable.
im so worried about not doing well. not getting a first,or worse still, getting one but still not being a good performer. what if i am always going to be this bad?
i hate not knowing what will happen in my future.
needless to say food is mixed. i feel like im eating like a pig, but its usually ony around 1200, i cant beleive im saying only to that. logically i know it should be more, but im not loosing weight, so it cant be that bad. sometimes i wish i was.
its so frustrating. i want it all. i want to be thin, and pretty. i want the numbers lower then they have ever been, but i also want to learn to dance well. to be good at music, art, everything. i want to feel my bones but have the concentration to study and the energy to move, but the two cant be here at the same time. i have to settle for one. i wish it was as easy as it sounds.
i just feel so unconfident with my music, that i wish i wasnt studying it. life would be so much easier.
im shitting it about this music course. its run by annabel, and im not prepared. i never am, but it doesnt matter how much practice i do, i am never ready. what if im the worst one there? what if i cant get these 3 peices together? (i havent even chosen them yet). what if im not good enough to be at music college, and this is all just a big mistake? what if i fail?
i know this is why i am finding food harder at the moment. the escape rout from all the what ifs is dangling right in front of me, but if i take it, it only leaves me to work all this out at a later date.
sometimes i wish all of this didnt ever cross my mind.
i hate being this scared of failing.
The first thing I'll say is remember the more active you are, the more fuel you need.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I'm not surprised you're tired, its clear how hectic things are, and how busy you are, I wonder if maybe you set a time every week that was Lottie time, where no matter what was going on that day or week or month you look after yourself. Sounds weird but I think learning to be kind to yourself, and remembering you are just a human is pretty important.
I know the struggle with music/food has so many emotional, historical(as in past experiences)ties for you, I hope that the further you travel down the road of recovery the closer you can get to enjoying the positives of it. A question to ask yourself maybe what would be good enough for someone you care of, would you expect the same of them, that you do of yourself, I know its something I tend not to do because I'm a bit of an idiot, and then wonder why I never quite do enough even though I would never impose the same standards or expectations on others.
I hope that maybe things as they get less hectic will get better for you, how are you doing with fighting the nhs for support?