'well, from the outside, it looks like your coping well'

thanks mum.

why is it, the shitter i feel, the better i look like im doing?

i threw up for the first time in months the other day.

today i ate like a pig.

everything feels grey.

ok, what this is REALLY all about

well, here it is...

im using food to cover everything up again arent i... obviously.

had group today, and it got to the last 10 min, having sat in silence for the 10 min before that, and i was really hoping someone would ask how i am (i know it sounds mental, but i find it hard to give myself permission to take up the space). no one did, and i kept thinking i should just say it, and *eventually* i opend my mouth and said 'iv had a really difficult week'... sat in silence a little longer and eventually with a bit of prodding i started talking.

originally it was just the hole 'my weight is driving me nuts'

but what it actually got too was the old being scared of college (and in particularly having to meet lots of people again), of my friend not having been in touch at all since she was back, of having gone home this weekend, gotten on the bus i used to get back from school and feeling physically sick n shaky for no reason, and general frustration of all of the above.

so, that is why i am messing around with food so much- and thats what i need to remember.

not eating is not going to solve any of the above. it might mask the feelings and turn the volume down a bit, but it wont solve any of it.


i'v also been thinking about the person i see. i am not really finding it useful, i feel very stuck with her, like we have the same conversations a lot, and it isnt really being useful. i also find it hard with the italien accent (its not the easiest to understand sometimes) and although her english is good, things still get lost a little. i just feel like i dont want to let her in, and feel embarrassed when i say things (yes i know that is me not her). but having had a phone call saying i dont have to see her till the 10th and feeling happy and releived seems to suggest to me maybe the partnership isnt right.... opinions wanted please!

i have an appointment with the psychiatrist on monday, and was wondering if i should say something, or if its rude not to have spoken to franchesca first - its a pain that i wont have seen her for 2 weeks, i could have brough it up, but i only see dr r every few months.... what do you guys think?!

*need an off button*

o guys, i am going mental.

i am back to bearly sleeping because my mind is doing somersaults at my weight and calories. how is it possible to be feeling this damn miserable? its so self centerd.

i met up with my old english teacher yesterday. she is so lovely, and i hadent seen her for months, and it was great to catch up. she used to be bullimic, so has more of an understanding then most, but i still feel like i cover up more then i should. she did ask, about an hour in, she was like 'i know you probably dont want to talk about it, but how is food?' and i did my usual 'oooo its fine, im just getting on with things blah blah blah' and in truth every time i think about being this weight i want to burst into tears.

im not feeling ok, im not even feeling close, i want to be alowed to curl up in a ball untill the numbers go back down, but i know i cant.

i just dont understand why its still going up so much. my bmi is wwwaaaayyyy into normal range now, i dont need to be putting on weight, but im not exactly over eating either.

my logical head is trying to tell me that maybe its just muscle im building from being more active, but i dont think i beleive it. dance classes 3 times a week cant be doing that much.

today i have had 710kcal and its only 2 o'clock, and i have to eat with friend later.

why am i even counting?
i feel like im wacking my head against a brick wall.

weight is still going up.

thank you x

Hello,

thank you so much girlies, your support is so so helpful!

i think it gives me reassurance that there is at least something i can do to stop people hating me, and something i can do well.

i feel that as soon as i get to this weight, its one more thing people will look at, and find an excuse to leave me for... i mean if im fat and disgusting, i cant even pretend that i might fit in, or be someone who you would want to be around, where as if im thin, at least its something.

i know that sounds warped, and i know its not how people think, but i just associate being this weight with people telling me i was fat, ugly, stupid, chubby, and saying i needed to 'cut down' on what i ate.

people saying now that this weight is healthy and normal, just doesnt fit with the comments i have heard a million times before when i was growing up, and its those comments that feel real. i mean, they werent just someone with a clipboard telling me what i should be, they were real people, with real views.

i think its also something i use as a bit of a buffer between me and the rest of the world. maybe im struggling so much more now, because im crapping myself about returning to college, failing everything, and struggling with finding good friends who i can feel ok around... and that my best friend is back from canada after a year, and i was only in touch with her like 4 times, and what if blah blah blah (im left alone with noooooo friends again).

im so fed up with this stupid illness, but im so tired of fighting against it. im a healthy weight = im better. its what everyone thinks, and i wish it was true for all of the wonderful people i have met.



today has been hard. im panicking about food and weight, i want to cry.
im at home, which means i had to have breakfast, and lunch, and i went out for dinner for a friends birthday to the bloody harvester, which has calories posted all over the menu. it made eating hard, and drinking hard (yes, i was panicking about the calories in the alcohol... clearly i had not had enough). it was a nice night in general, i got on with people, and didnt feel out of place, but i just cant get ed out of my head.

and i cant even restrict tomorrow, or the next day because my mum will know (yes i know its 'good', its just not feeling it)


not seeing my psych for another 3 weeks because she is away, and she was ill the last session i was meant to have. i dont think i mind because im not finding them very useful. she is a lovely person, but im just not clicking with it, i dont know weather its me being a dick, or just that we arent working. doesnt help that she is italian, and i find working out accents at 10am a little hard, or that she hasnt got the most fluid english.

2 of my friends are getting married soon. makes me realise how much ed takes away x

*mentions weight and crazy food thoughts*

dont carry on reading if you dont want to see weight/bmi/calories... sorry, need to vent!


i cant get my head to shut up at the moment.

my weight keeps going up, even tho i am not over eating, and excercising, and it is driving me nuts.

its shot right up to 8stone 4lb.

thats almost 8 and a half stone, and the thought of it going there makes me want to throw up on the spot.

it puts my bmi up to 22.4, and i cant hack it there, its too close to the upper end, to the overweight and obese end of the scale.

my body fat percentage according to my scales is 21.7% but u dont beleive it for a second, i feel so large that i want to turn invisible.

banished are all my clingy cloths to the bottom of the wardrobe. i seem to have a rubber ring of fat round my middle, and i cant tolerate anyone seeing it.

i want to cry.


i know i sound vain and stupid, but it feels so so so unbearable to be here. it feels like im being dropped into the jaws of a tiger, and being expected to laugh and be happy about it, but im not, i am going mental about it and panicking constantly.


iv had enough of being a fat ugly idiot.


iv had 1072 kcal today, and i could cry. i know its not enough, but how can that be true if my weight is still shooting up?

i dont know what i will do if it goes up anymore, this really is the most i can stand. the temptation to restrict is just getting too strong.