dont carry on reading if you dont want to see weight/bmi/calories... sorry, need to vent!
i cant get my head to shut up at the moment.
my weight keeps going up, even tho i am not over eating, and excercising, and it is driving me nuts.
its shot right up to 8stone 4lb.
thats almost 8 and a half stone, and the thought of it going there makes me want to throw up on the spot.
it puts my bmi up to 22.4, and i cant hack it there, its too close to the upper end, to the overweight and obese end of the scale.
my body fat percentage according to my scales is 21.7% but u dont beleive it for a second, i feel so large that i want to turn invisible.
banished are all my clingy cloths to the bottom of the wardrobe. i seem to have a rubber ring of fat round my middle, and i cant tolerate anyone seeing it.
i want to cry.
i know i sound vain and stupid, but it feels so so so unbearable to be here. it feels like im being dropped into the jaws of a tiger, and being expected to laugh and be happy about it, but im not, i am going mental about it and panicking constantly.
iv had enough of being a fat ugly idiot.
iv had 1072 kcal today, and i could cry. i know its not enough, but how can that be true if my weight is still shooting up?
i dont know what i will do if it goes up anymore, this really is the most i can stand. the temptation to restrict is just getting too strong.
I can completely relate. I'm sorry you're finding things so difficult, I hope it helped to write/vent a little. I literally could have written that post myself, my bmi is almost identical and I understand hope unbearable it feels. I wish I knew the answers for both of us. I'm also fighting huge urges to restrict.. Fighting them because although restricting would be the easier more comfortable option short term, its not going to help long term. This is something that we have to deal with. A bmi of 22.4 isn't 'huge'- it feels huge to us but in reality it's a normal healthy weight to be. Please try to convince yourself of that. Keep fighting lottie, u r worth more than a life with an ED. We can fight this and be happy, I really believe that. Msg me anytime xxx
ReplyDeleteMy lovely i really feel for u. I know it feels so awful but its nothing compared to being in the grips of the ed. U have worked so hard and come so far,im not letting u run back now little lady! We can all fight together. I feel huge too but im not going to let it stop me reaching my target weight. Hang in there and im here anytime for a chat or hug xxx
ReplyDeleteAt 1072kcal you ARE ALREADY restricting.
ReplyDeleteWhat does being a lower weight give you? Can something else give you that? It's probably not the same for you, nor for the two ladies writing above me, but for me, reassurance people care is part of what being a low weight gives me, because people show concern if you look unwell. So, I have to keep practising using my voice to speak to people and have relationships with people I trust and that care about, that I can feel care about me. I hope that makes sense, and as I say I don't mean that its the same for you, but what I mean is finding something that the low weight gives you that you "need" but can find elsewhere.
(I'm concerned thats a crazy ramble....hope not.)
Catch up soon love x