*need an off button*

o guys, i am going mental.

i am back to bearly sleeping because my mind is doing somersaults at my weight and calories. how is it possible to be feeling this damn miserable? its so self centerd.

i met up with my old english teacher yesterday. she is so lovely, and i hadent seen her for months, and it was great to catch up. she used to be bullimic, so has more of an understanding then most, but i still feel like i cover up more then i should. she did ask, about an hour in, she was like 'i know you probably dont want to talk about it, but how is food?' and i did my usual 'oooo its fine, im just getting on with things blah blah blah' and in truth every time i think about being this weight i want to burst into tears.

im not feeling ok, im not even feeling close, i want to be alowed to curl up in a ball untill the numbers go back down, but i know i cant.

i just dont understand why its still going up so much. my bmi is wwwaaaayyyy into normal range now, i dont need to be putting on weight, but im not exactly over eating either.

my logical head is trying to tell me that maybe its just muscle im building from being more active, but i dont think i beleive it. dance classes 3 times a week cant be doing that much.

today i have had 710kcal and its only 2 o'clock, and i have to eat with friend later.

why am i even counting?
i feel like im wacking my head against a brick wall.