thank you x

Hello,

thank you so much girlies, your support is so so helpful!

i think it gives me reassurance that there is at least something i can do to stop people hating me, and something i can do well.

i feel that as soon as i get to this weight, its one more thing people will look at, and find an excuse to leave me for... i mean if im fat and disgusting, i cant even pretend that i might fit in, or be someone who you would want to be around, where as if im thin, at least its something.

i know that sounds warped, and i know its not how people think, but i just associate being this weight with people telling me i was fat, ugly, stupid, chubby, and saying i needed to 'cut down' on what i ate.

people saying now that this weight is healthy and normal, just doesnt fit with the comments i have heard a million times before when i was growing up, and its those comments that feel real. i mean, they werent just someone with a clipboard telling me what i should be, they were real people, with real views.

i think its also something i use as a bit of a buffer between me and the rest of the world. maybe im struggling so much more now, because im crapping myself about returning to college, failing everything, and struggling with finding good friends who i can feel ok around... and that my best friend is back from canada after a year, and i was only in touch with her like 4 times, and what if blah blah blah (im left alone with noooooo friends again).

im so fed up with this stupid illness, but im so tired of fighting against it. im a healthy weight = im better. its what everyone thinks, and i wish it was true for all of the wonderful people i have met.



today has been hard. im panicking about food and weight, i want to cry.
im at home, which means i had to have breakfast, and lunch, and i went out for dinner for a friends birthday to the bloody harvester, which has calories posted all over the menu. it made eating hard, and drinking hard (yes, i was panicking about the calories in the alcohol... clearly i had not had enough). it was a nice night in general, i got on with people, and didnt feel out of place, but i just cant get ed out of my head.

and i cant even restrict tomorrow, or the next day because my mum will know (yes i know its 'good', its just not feeling it)


not seeing my psych for another 3 weeks because she is away, and she was ill the last session i was meant to have. i dont think i mind because im not finding them very useful. she is a lovely person, but im just not clicking with it, i dont know weather its me being a dick, or just that we arent working. doesnt help that she is italian, and i find working out accents at 10am a little hard, or that she hasnt got the most fluid english.

2 of my friends are getting married soon. makes me realise how much ed takes away x