when did i get so fat?
my friend just sent me pics of the concert i did the other day. i look practically obese, yet i cant stop eating.
i disgust myself.
werent these feelings meant to go?
i feel like im feeling worse, but not helping myself (loosing weight). im just looking in the mirror and going 'well this fucking sucks'. it feels lazy and wrong. i should be doing something about it, but then everyone else says i shouldnt be.
i cant stand it, i just want to cry, but instead im trundling along trying (and failing) to practice instead.
im feeling so tired all of the time, yet im not sleeping enough at night.
im just feeling under the weather 24/7, and its not making it any easier to tell my head that things are so much better then they were - because they really dont feel it.
i feel very alone and very tired of this.
i know i cant go backwards, but i cant see that there is anywhere forwards to go.
i feel like im just 'being fine' for everyone else - im tired.
Monday, 30 January 2012
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Monday, 16 January 2012
i dont understand how all of this can make so little sense.
everything i think. everything i instinctivly feel is RIGHT, good - the way things should be. it FEELS so ridiculasly sain and right, but its not.
i cant seem to understand how eating is good for me. how i might need it to 'survive'.
i dont understand it when people say that being hungry and cold all the time is miserable. no its not, its safe.
i dont understand why im still this weight, and still trying to beleive everyones promises that my head 'will catch up' and that i will start feeling ok about this.
i am living my life as if im breaking the rules.
every minet of every day i am being the bad one.
im going against all my intuitions. it feels like im going against my morals by letting myself stay healthy (yes im aware that sounds mental)
and i dont like breaking the rules.
i dont like being the bad one.
i want to be good again.
everything i think. everything i instinctivly feel is RIGHT, good - the way things should be. it FEELS so ridiculasly sain and right, but its not.
i cant seem to understand how eating is good for me. how i might need it to 'survive'.
i dont understand it when people say that being hungry and cold all the time is miserable. no its not, its safe.
i dont understand why im still this weight, and still trying to beleive everyones promises that my head 'will catch up' and that i will start feeling ok about this.
i am living my life as if im breaking the rules.
every minet of every day i am being the bad one.
im going against all my intuitions. it feels like im going against my morals by letting myself stay healthy (yes im aware that sounds mental)
and i dont like breaking the rules.
i dont like being the bad one.
i want to be good again.
Saturday, 14 January 2012
new person!
Hello,
i had my first appointment with someone again yesturday.
she is a nurse from IP, but is now working as a nurse therapist with the outpatient team.
it was a lot better then i expected, and she actually seemed very understanding, and also to get that things arent always as 'fine' as i make them out to be.
we went through the basics of whats been going on latley, what im up to, how college is going etc
perfectionism, feeling quite down a lot, not sleeping and not really eating properly all came up.
she sais it seems like i have a foot in both doors - i know i cant get really ill again, but i cant give it up either... id say thats a pretty acurate discription.
she also asked how she could help me with the whole not trusting someone thing as (in her words) 'lets face it, you dont have much of the outpatiant team left'... oops! she is right of course.
im not really sure what it is that makes me trust her more than the last 2 i saw, maybe its that i know her a bit, or that she seems to understand that just because i know it logically, it doesnt mean i have been able to do it (unlike franchesca who thought that as we had spoken about it, i was magically better).
she said that we would have 4 sessions, and then review it so that i could see if i wanted to work on with her, and to give me a chance to be open if things arent helping.
i hope that this will be helpful, i think it may well be, but not getting my hopes up too much!
next appointment is with her on friday x
i had my first appointment with someone again yesturday.
she is a nurse from IP, but is now working as a nurse therapist with the outpatient team.
it was a lot better then i expected, and she actually seemed very understanding, and also to get that things arent always as 'fine' as i make them out to be.
we went through the basics of whats been going on latley, what im up to, how college is going etc
perfectionism, feeling quite down a lot, not sleeping and not really eating properly all came up.
she sais it seems like i have a foot in both doors - i know i cant get really ill again, but i cant give it up either... id say thats a pretty acurate discription.
she also asked how she could help me with the whole not trusting someone thing as (in her words) 'lets face it, you dont have much of the outpatiant team left'... oops! she is right of course.
im not really sure what it is that makes me trust her more than the last 2 i saw, maybe its that i know her a bit, or that she seems to understand that just because i know it logically, it doesnt mean i have been able to do it (unlike franchesca who thought that as we had spoken about it, i was magically better).
she said that we would have 4 sessions, and then review it so that i could see if i wanted to work on with her, and to give me a chance to be open if things arent helping.
i hope that this will be helpful, i think it may well be, but not getting my hopes up too much!
next appointment is with her on friday x
Thursday, 12 January 2012
another day!
well,
i got my presentation out of the way, and did about 3 and a half hours practice, plus conducting, and rehearsals and group... im tired!
iv worked out what is in my head (haha)
this hole crappy feeling all boils down to the
IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
tape that seems to be on replay...
im not good enough at college, playing instruments, learning quickly enough, dancing, being a friend blah blah blah...
i want to be perfect at everything, even tho i know you cant be.
now just to figure out how to change the way i think... any ideas welcome!
i got my presentation out of the way, and did about 3 and a half hours practice, plus conducting, and rehearsals and group... im tired!
iv worked out what is in my head (haha)
this hole crappy feeling all boils down to the
IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
tape that seems to be on replay...
im not good enough at college, playing instruments, learning quickly enough, dancing, being a friend blah blah blah...
i want to be perfect at everything, even tho i know you cant be.
now just to figure out how to change the way i think... any ideas welcome!
Monday, 9 January 2012
...
Well, its been a while!
im not sure what im thinking tonight, which is i guess why i am wrighting here... that and the fact im avoiding writing a presentation.
the thing i dont get with 'recovery' is how things can feel so bad when they are going 'so well'.
how is it, that my brain has never yet caught up, and that i am not feeling like this recovering thing is actually helping me in any way.
i feel like an elephant, im as by myself as ever, and i still dont sleep enough and want to cry more than most...
wasnt this meant to change?
i know everyones answer to this will be 'but have you been doing it properly for long enough?'
and in truth, probably not.
i flit between days of really trying, and days of really trying not to.
more now of really trying not to, but its laughable... 1000 kcal used to be more than i would eat in days, now its my version of restricting... that alone disgusts my ed part.
i dont know which direction im trying to go in.
loosing weight will logically only land me in a crappy place, possible hospital, which i dont want to go to,
but then, staying here seems so unbearable.
just once, i would like to feel like i know that this will all be ok.
instead of focusing on my work, and practice, my mind is stuck on my body, my diet, my weight.
but then, maybe thats why im focusing on it. maybe its easier then the possibility of having to realise that i will never succeed in what i want to, and that i will always fail.
im not sure what im thinking tonight, which is i guess why i am wrighting here... that and the fact im avoiding writing a presentation.
the thing i dont get with 'recovery' is how things can feel so bad when they are going 'so well'.
how is it, that my brain has never yet caught up, and that i am not feeling like this recovering thing is actually helping me in any way.
i feel like an elephant, im as by myself as ever, and i still dont sleep enough and want to cry more than most...
wasnt this meant to change?
i know everyones answer to this will be 'but have you been doing it properly for long enough?'
and in truth, probably not.
i flit between days of really trying, and days of really trying not to.
more now of really trying not to, but its laughable... 1000 kcal used to be more than i would eat in days, now its my version of restricting... that alone disgusts my ed part.
i dont know which direction im trying to go in.
loosing weight will logically only land me in a crappy place, possible hospital, which i dont want to go to,
but then, staying here seems so unbearable.
just once, i would like to feel like i know that this will all be ok.
instead of focusing on my work, and practice, my mind is stuck on my body, my diet, my weight.
but then, maybe thats why im focusing on it. maybe its easier then the possibility of having to realise that i will never succeed in what i want to, and that i will always fail.
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