i dont understand how all of this can make so little sense.

everything i think. everything i instinctivly feel is RIGHT, good - the way things should be. it FEELS so ridiculasly sain and right, but its not.

i cant seem to understand how eating is good for me. how i might need it to 'survive'.
i dont understand it when people say that being hungry and cold all the time is miserable. no its not, its safe.

i dont understand why im still this weight, and still trying to beleive everyones promises that my head 'will catch up' and that i will start feeling ok about this.

i am living my life as if im breaking the rules.
every minet of every day i am being the bad one.
im going against all my intuitions. it feels like im going against my morals by letting myself stay healthy (yes im aware that sounds mental)
and i dont like breaking the rules.
i dont like being the bad one.

i want to be good again.