...

Well, its been a while!

im not sure what im thinking tonight, which is i guess why i am wrighting here... that and the fact im avoiding writing a presentation.

the thing i dont get with 'recovery' is how things can feel so bad when they are going 'so well'.

how is it, that my brain has never yet caught up, and that i am not feeling like this recovering thing is actually helping me in any way.

i feel like an elephant, im as by myself as ever, and i still dont sleep enough and want to cry more than most...

wasnt this meant to change?

i know everyones answer to this will be 'but have you been doing it properly for long enough?'

and in truth, probably not.

i flit between days of really trying, and days of really trying not to.

more now of really trying not to, but its laughable... 1000 kcal used to be more than i would eat in days, now its my version of restricting... that alone disgusts my ed part.

i dont know which direction im trying to go in.

loosing weight will logically only land me in a crappy place, possible hospital, which i dont want to go to,

but then, staying here seems so unbearable.

just once, i would like to feel like i know that this will all be ok.



instead of focusing on my work, and practice, my mind is stuck on my body, my diet, my weight.
but then, maybe thats why im focusing on it. maybe its easier then the possibility of having to realise that i will never succeed in what i want to, and that i will always fail.