Hi guys,
well things are better then they were - im out of bed, and at college.
Today was almost ok, had a bit of a 'kick charlotte into shape' lesson from Annabel yesterday, which although annoying, was probably good. I know i haven been doing enough - iv been in bed as much as i could get away with - pulling the duvet over everything.
so, had concort, which was better then last time (because i didnt feel like i wanted to murder everyone), and performance class, which i had to play for.
i didnt play that well, played form memory, and made mistakes because i have been relearning some fingerings, so it was a bit shit, but everyone was very positive and encouraging, and i was almost feeling like it was ok...
until my lesson with Ross... it felt crap, it was crap. Since he has decided to leave, i feel like he doesnt give a crap about teaching us. he has even admited that he doesnt, and i feel like its a waste of time having them - im not learning, and i come out feeling far worse about my playing then i did before.
today, i felt like he was bored, and that he didnt really want to teach me.
It makes me feel like im useless and not worth teaching
which then equals 'im stupid and fat - why the hell am i still eating?'
i know that is not a logical leap, but it is how i feel.
Part of me has been contemplating throwing out my scales- as its not making me happy, but then nor is staying at this weight.
Thursday, 16 February 2012
Saturday, 11 February 2012
=(
Im trying to write a letter to my eating disorder - i dont know what to say.
i dont think i want to be rid of it. im too scared to live without it, and i dont think i beleive i can.
im so desperate to let myself loose weight.
today the number was lower than its been in months (only a kg lower than normal), and it has sent my brain into overdrive.
Ed is trying to convince me that this means i can really start trying to loose it now, that 50kg sounds nicer, and 40 sounds even better, and that when i get to 35, i know i will really be able to say i have an ed, and that maybe at 30, i would be thin enough to start getting better... WHAT AM I THINKING???????!!!!!
its such complete and utter crap, and the worst thing is, i know it.
i so desperatly want to go against all logic.
today one of my old flatmates was down. i spent a long time talking to her, hugging her etc. i offered to go for a drink/chat with her after i had finished work - to which she agreed. she decided against it after half an hour, and went home.
in truth, i had offered to listen to her, because it makes me feel better. i need the company just as much as she does right now.
i hate how selfish i am.
i hate how fat i am, and i certainly hate how much i have eaten today.
i want this aching inside to stop. i am so tired of it all.
i dont think i want to be rid of it. im too scared to live without it, and i dont think i beleive i can.
im so desperate to let myself loose weight.
today the number was lower than its been in months (only a kg lower than normal), and it has sent my brain into overdrive.
Ed is trying to convince me that this means i can really start trying to loose it now, that 50kg sounds nicer, and 40 sounds even better, and that when i get to 35, i know i will really be able to say i have an ed, and that maybe at 30, i would be thin enough to start getting better... WHAT AM I THINKING???????!!!!!
its such complete and utter crap, and the worst thing is, i know it.
i so desperatly want to go against all logic.
today one of my old flatmates was down. i spent a long time talking to her, hugging her etc. i offered to go for a drink/chat with her after i had finished work - to which she agreed. she decided against it after half an hour, and went home.
in truth, i had offered to listen to her, because it makes me feel better. i need the company just as much as she does right now.
i hate how selfish i am.
i hate how fat i am, and i certainly hate how much i have eaten today.
i want this aching inside to stop. i am so tired of it all.
Friday, 10 February 2012
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Monday, 6 February 2012
a slightly better day
Hello,
well as it says, today was a little more positive...
mainly because i was in a baroque dance class most of it, so had little time to obsess.
it was the beginner class, and i can quite safely say i am finding it a rather comfortable experiance... its nice to know i can do it with very little thought, and that i can see the improvment from this time last year, where i hadent really done any at all... now i seem to help teach others rather than struggle at the back... its a nice change.
i like my teacher a lot, and she said some nice things today, which i feel i aught to write down, because even tho it was good, my head is picking faults in everything today... so the nice comments were...
'i feel i should find something to fault so that you get your monies worth, but i cant'
that it would be nice to have me on the summer course, even if i can only cover the cost of my board n lodging
and at the end, she whispered that it was nice to have me in the class, and that today i was 'the pearl amongst the swine' (which i dont think was meant in a harsh way to the others, but was a nice complement)
o, and she also said that she wanted me to do one of the dances for a performance in london in May (Notting hill if anyone fancies a laugh!).
so, there are the positives!
i also met with Laura for dinner, which was nice - she seems to be one of the few people that doesnt wind me up when im in one of my silly moooooddddssss.
*mentioning food*
food today didnt go so well.
i didnt really eat breakfast, and purged my pretty small lunch. im not sure why, i just felt panicky. its silly, it was just some of a jacket potaoe.
still, i think i made up for it, me n laura went to nandos for dinner (eeek).
i feel a bit crappy because i just had about another 150kcal worth of veg, but im trying to remember that i have been dancing all day too.
i was meant to go out for someones birthday, but it turned out that Paddy would have been there, and it seems to spoil a day without crying - its the first in a while!
feeling a little down, but luckily i need to go to sleep! i hope i can get up tomorrow... need to stop dicking around about lectures.
well as it says, today was a little more positive...
mainly because i was in a baroque dance class most of it, so had little time to obsess.
it was the beginner class, and i can quite safely say i am finding it a rather comfortable experiance... its nice to know i can do it with very little thought, and that i can see the improvment from this time last year, where i hadent really done any at all... now i seem to help teach others rather than struggle at the back... its a nice change.
i like my teacher a lot, and she said some nice things today, which i feel i aught to write down, because even tho it was good, my head is picking faults in everything today... so the nice comments were...
'i feel i should find something to fault so that you get your monies worth, but i cant'
that it would be nice to have me on the summer course, even if i can only cover the cost of my board n lodging
and at the end, she whispered that it was nice to have me in the class, and that today i was 'the pearl amongst the swine' (which i dont think was meant in a harsh way to the others, but was a nice complement)
o, and she also said that she wanted me to do one of the dances for a performance in london in May (Notting hill if anyone fancies a laugh!).
so, there are the positives!
i also met with Laura for dinner, which was nice - she seems to be one of the few people that doesnt wind me up when im in one of my silly moooooddddssss.
*mentioning food*
food today didnt go so well.
i didnt really eat breakfast, and purged my pretty small lunch. im not sure why, i just felt panicky. its silly, it was just some of a jacket potaoe.
still, i think i made up for it, me n laura went to nandos for dinner (eeek).
i feel a bit crappy because i just had about another 150kcal worth of veg, but im trying to remember that i have been dancing all day too.
i was meant to go out for someones birthday, but it turned out that Paddy would have been there, and it seems to spoil a day without crying - its the first in a while!
feeling a little down, but luckily i need to go to sleep! i hope i can get up tomorrow... need to stop dicking around about lectures.
Sunday, 5 February 2012
ola
hello,
well, things are still pretty mixed.
i had an appointment on friday, and she seemed to know things werent great - i wonder if my rant had been recorded in my notes.
did a lot of crying, and had the joys of the 'are you safe' talk (what on earth would they do if i said no?!). been sent away with 'ring your gp to discuss your meds' and 'write a letter to your ed'... that should be a fun night in.
that was yesterday day, and i cried on the train all the way back, but then had to meet up with someone for coffee which turned into her coming over - so at least that kept my mind off things. she stayed over til this morning, and then i came home to my parents.
only cried once today.
my mum insisted on cloths shoping - was not a good experiance.
what have i learnt?
that i am very short, and rather 'curvey' in a very fat way.
only managed 2 shops before i couldnt face going in any others - it is not the time to be looking at myself in mirrors.
food has been mixed - i wont lie, im not finding my thoughts easy to manage. i have been skipping the odd meal, but in my head its fine, as im not loosing weight, and am obviously still a heffer.
its almost better for being home, as i have no choice but to eat with my parents, but that ofcourse leads to an awful lot of guilt.
i came down for baroque dance tomorrow, but with the snow, im not sure i can get there, which would be a shame because it is the only think i have been semi enthusiastic about for weeks. (even ballet has lost its attraction - thats when i know the old black dog is back again).
dreadign this coming week. i havent been turning up to uni - i just feel to blah. i know i cant keep doing this, but bed really does seem like the better option.
i dont want to say this to a gp. they will think im nuts... 'hi, i think im depressed again...give me more drugs...'that is not the call of a sain person. sometimes i worry that they think im pretending, but then i find myself thinking thoughts that to anyone else would just seem disturbing.
sometimes i wish 7 year old charlotte would have had the guts to have acctually hung herself in her wardrobe rather then just thought about it - would have cut out an awful lot of crap.
dont worry, i wont do anything, i never have - would feel to guilty for hurting my parents/sister. just a thought.
i hope that if my meds are changed, that they help - i sure as hell can not stay like this and keep up with food, uni and not cutting. something is going to go at some point.
have an appointment booked for tues. nerves.
well, things are still pretty mixed.
i had an appointment on friday, and she seemed to know things werent great - i wonder if my rant had been recorded in my notes.
did a lot of crying, and had the joys of the 'are you safe' talk (what on earth would they do if i said no?!). been sent away with 'ring your gp to discuss your meds' and 'write a letter to your ed'... that should be a fun night in.
that was yesterday day, and i cried on the train all the way back, but then had to meet up with someone for coffee which turned into her coming over - so at least that kept my mind off things. she stayed over til this morning, and then i came home to my parents.
only cried once today.
my mum insisted on cloths shoping - was not a good experiance.
what have i learnt?
that i am very short, and rather 'curvey' in a very fat way.
only managed 2 shops before i couldnt face going in any others - it is not the time to be looking at myself in mirrors.
food has been mixed - i wont lie, im not finding my thoughts easy to manage. i have been skipping the odd meal, but in my head its fine, as im not loosing weight, and am obviously still a heffer.
its almost better for being home, as i have no choice but to eat with my parents, but that ofcourse leads to an awful lot of guilt.
i came down for baroque dance tomorrow, but with the snow, im not sure i can get there, which would be a shame because it is the only think i have been semi enthusiastic about for weeks. (even ballet has lost its attraction - thats when i know the old black dog is back again).
dreadign this coming week. i havent been turning up to uni - i just feel to blah. i know i cant keep doing this, but bed really does seem like the better option.
i dont want to say this to a gp. they will think im nuts... 'hi, i think im depressed again...give me more drugs...'that is not the call of a sain person. sometimes i worry that they think im pretending, but then i find myself thinking thoughts that to anyone else would just seem disturbing.
sometimes i wish 7 year old charlotte would have had the guts to have acctually hung herself in her wardrobe rather then just thought about it - would have cut out an awful lot of crap.
dont worry, i wont do anything, i never have - would feel to guilty for hurting my parents/sister. just a thought.
i hope that if my meds are changed, that they help - i sure as hell can not stay like this and keep up with food, uni and not cutting. something is going to go at some point.
have an appointment booked for tues. nerves.
Thursday, 2 February 2012
scrapbooook
todays scrapbook page.
still feeling pretty crappy - wasnt going to go to group, but the other girls persuaded me... spent most of it quiet and then went off on one on an angry, pissed off 'im fat' rant...
eating disorders really do make you crazy.
got home, tried to have dinner, but rather unsuccessfully had a visit with the toilet monster afterwards... in what universe is it logical for throwing up (voluntarily) to feel more comfortable than to eat, or feel full?!!! (not even full full, just not hungry?!)
bah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)