=(

Im trying to write a letter to my eating disorder - i dont know what to say.

i dont think i want to be rid of it. im too scared to live without it, and i dont think i beleive i can.

im so desperate to let myself loose weight.
today the number was lower than its been in months (only a kg lower than normal), and it has sent my brain into overdrive.
Ed is trying to convince me that this means i can really start trying to loose it now, that 50kg sounds nicer, and 40 sounds even better, and that when i get to 35, i know i will really be able to say i have an ed, and that maybe at 30, i would be thin enough to start getting better... WHAT AM I THINKING???????!!!!!

its such complete and utter crap, and the worst thing is, i know it.

i so desperatly want to go against all logic.

today one of my old flatmates was down. i spent a long time talking to her, hugging her etc. i offered to go for a drink/chat with her after i had finished work - to which she agreed. she decided against it after half an hour, and went home.
in truth, i had offered to listen to her, because it makes me feel better. i need the company just as much as she does right now.

i hate how selfish i am.
i hate how fat i am, and i certainly hate how much i have eaten today.

i want this aching inside to stop. i am so tired of it all.