ola

hello,

well, things are still pretty mixed.

i had an appointment on friday, and she seemed to know things werent great - i wonder if my rant had been recorded in my notes.

did a lot of crying, and had the joys of the 'are you safe' talk (what on earth would they do if i said no?!). been sent away with 'ring your gp to discuss your meds' and 'write a letter to your ed'... that should be a fun night in.

that was yesterday day, and i cried on the train all the way back, but then had to meet up with someone for coffee which turned into her coming over - so at least that kept my mind off things. she stayed over til this morning, and then i came home to my parents.

only cried once today.

my mum insisted on cloths shoping - was not a good experiance.

what have i learnt?
that i am very short, and rather 'curvey' in a very fat way.
only managed 2 shops before i couldnt face going in any others - it is not the time to be looking at myself in mirrors.

food has been mixed - i wont lie, im not finding my thoughts easy to manage. i have been skipping the odd meal, but in my head its fine, as im not loosing weight, and am obviously still a heffer.

its almost better for being home, as i have no choice but to eat with my parents, but that ofcourse leads to an awful lot of guilt.

i came down for baroque dance tomorrow, but with the snow, im not sure i can get there, which would be a shame because it is the only think i have been semi enthusiastic about for weeks. (even ballet has lost its attraction - thats when i know the old black dog is back again).

dreadign this coming week. i havent been turning up to uni - i just feel to blah. i know i cant keep doing this, but bed really does seem like the better option.

i dont want to say this to a gp. they will think im nuts... 'hi, i think im depressed again...give me more drugs...'that is not the call of a sain person. sometimes i worry that they think im pretending, but then i find myself thinking thoughts that to anyone else would just seem disturbing.

sometimes i wish 7 year old charlotte would have had the guts to have acctually hung herself in her wardrobe rather then just thought about it - would have cut out an awful lot of crap.

dont worry, i wont do anything, i never have - would feel to guilty for hurting my parents/sister. just a thought.

i hope that if my meds are changed, that they help - i sure as hell can not stay like this and keep up with food, uni and not cutting. something is going to go at some point.

have an appointment booked for tues. nerves.