well, i have officially spent from 11-now (minus about an hour n a half)... soooooo that would be 12 and 1/2 hours making my sisters cake...
the upside, is that i am finally finished!!!
will post pics tomorrow, but there is a cake downstairs with 2 tiers, 7 toadstalls, 3 fairies (plus wings if they make it through the night!), a million and one flowers and lots of edible glitter...
i am exhausted!!!
also think i have to fake a sicky from work tomorrow, as i havent found cover, but cant get back up for it :-?
had an ok day today, saw my cousin who is moving back to america in a week n a bit, and had a big family thing, both sides of grand people, all siblings (pluss partner) and jojo plus emily's friend... was surprisingly calm!
my gran took me aside and asked if i was proud of myself 'for being you'... very odd, and then she hugged me for ages... weird!!!
anyway, massive headache and back ache... off to bed!!! x
Sunday, 27 March 2011
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
not such a great night
well, in all honesty im feeling pretty crap tonight.
i dont know why, its just things feel a bit too much and as usual i run around with a huge grin slapped on the front of my face and want to cry every time i finally stop.
im moving house, i have to make my sister birthday cake, i havent practiced enough in weeks, i cant keep on top of anything i need to do, im exhausted and my second period since august has decided to show up, which to be honest is making me feel particularly large.
i hate it coming because it reminds me how fat i now am.
i know its 'healthy' and 'normal', but it doesnt stop my feelings.
i want to be lighter, because it makes me feel like at least im doing something about being unhappy. atleast im making an effort to change...
last weekend i had some pics taken with my sister for her birthday, and they are plastered all over facebook, and they make me want to cry.
i look disgusting. im so fat its doing my head in, and its doing my head in even more that im not alloud to do anything about it. it feels like everyone else is aloud, the amount of times iv seen/heard 'loose weigh, feel great' etc etc, and why cant i?!!!
im also feeling pretty lonley at the moment.
i see people vaguely at college, but its more of a hi, bye thing, and if anyone does ask how i am, im always 'fine'. i just want to have someone i can call, or someone i can tell when im feeling so by myself. i want someone who will come and give me a hug once in a while. i miss having laura in the country so much. i miss having bex close by, i just miss having someone who knows me well enough to know when im bullshitting.
i hate this so much.
i feel so bad, im not getting my ratties out anywhere near enough because im so stressed that i know they will be skittish with me. i feel like such a nasty person for keeping them in their cage, but they bite me when im like this, and i dont know what else to do.
im sorry, i know i shouldnt moan, i just dont know what else to do with myself tonight, and figured it would be better to write it then to do something else.
sorry x
i dont know why, its just things feel a bit too much and as usual i run around with a huge grin slapped on the front of my face and want to cry every time i finally stop.
im moving house, i have to make my sister birthday cake, i havent practiced enough in weeks, i cant keep on top of anything i need to do, im exhausted and my second period since august has decided to show up, which to be honest is making me feel particularly large.
i hate it coming because it reminds me how fat i now am.
i know its 'healthy' and 'normal', but it doesnt stop my feelings.
i want to be lighter, because it makes me feel like at least im doing something about being unhappy. atleast im making an effort to change...
last weekend i had some pics taken with my sister for her birthday, and they are plastered all over facebook, and they make me want to cry.
i look disgusting. im so fat its doing my head in, and its doing my head in even more that im not alloud to do anything about it. it feels like everyone else is aloud, the amount of times iv seen/heard 'loose weigh, feel great' etc etc, and why cant i?!!!
im also feeling pretty lonley at the moment.
i see people vaguely at college, but its more of a hi, bye thing, and if anyone does ask how i am, im always 'fine'. i just want to have someone i can call, or someone i can tell when im feeling so by myself. i want someone who will come and give me a hug once in a while. i miss having laura in the country so much. i miss having bex close by, i just miss having someone who knows me well enough to know when im bullshitting.
i hate this so much.
i feel so bad, im not getting my ratties out anywhere near enough because im so stressed that i know they will be skittish with me. i feel like such a nasty person for keeping them in their cage, but they bite me when im like this, and i dont know what else to do.
im sorry, i know i shouldnt moan, i just dont know what else to do with myself tonight, and figured it would be better to write it then to do something else.
sorry x
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
i hurt so much
o dear god i am just aching so so so so so much today.
particularly this evening my hands/wrists and ankles just have that dull ache that isnt going anywhere. its this ache i can not stand!!! my knee has been playing up all day, as have my shoulders/neck but the aching now far out weighs that, i want to chop them all off :(
does anyone else get almost constant dull aching? i really want to know whats causing it.
it feels typical that as soon as i treat my body better it feels like its falling apart a million times more :(
particularly this evening my hands/wrists and ankles just have that dull ache that isnt going anywhere. its this ache i can not stand!!! my knee has been playing up all day, as have my shoulders/neck but the aching now far out weighs that, i want to chop them all off :(
does anyone else get almost constant dull aching? i really want to know whats causing it.
it feels typical that as soon as i treat my body better it feels like its falling apart a million times more :(
Sunday, 13 March 2011
no words
i dont know what to say tonight.
just feel sad, down, lonely, fat. very fat.
the last few weeks iv been desperate to loose weight again. probably because iv been feeling lost without my eating disorder.
iv eaten properly with R, and ate like a pig today (had already eaten 1040kcal and then friend wanted pizza). i cant stand eating this much, i hate being hungry, it feels needy. i dont want to admit im needy... i am tho, not just of food, but of company, or friends, of comfort and love. i dont like to admit that at all.
life is far easier when you can pretend your self proficient, when you can live alone and not need anyone else... i think thats what my eating disorder helped with.
without it, i am no longer able to function alone, yet dont have anyone i trust enough to depend on. never have, not sure i ever will.
as a result i feel unbearably full of my feeling.
when im alone, i just want to cry. because i feel so much that its turned into nothingness. achey empty painful nothingness.
just feel sad, down, lonely, fat. very fat.
the last few weeks iv been desperate to loose weight again. probably because iv been feeling lost without my eating disorder.
iv eaten properly with R, and ate like a pig today (had already eaten 1040kcal and then friend wanted pizza). i cant stand eating this much, i hate being hungry, it feels needy. i dont want to admit im needy... i am tho, not just of food, but of company, or friends, of comfort and love. i dont like to admit that at all.
life is far easier when you can pretend your self proficient, when you can live alone and not need anyone else... i think thats what my eating disorder helped with.
without it, i am no longer able to function alone, yet dont have anyone i trust enough to depend on. never have, not sure i ever will.
as a result i feel unbearably full of my feeling.
when im alone, i just want to cry. because i feel so much that its turned into nothingness. achey empty painful nothingness.
Saturday, 12 March 2011
@£$*(*&^%$£@$£%^&*&^% flatmate...
MY FLAT MATE IS WINDING ME UP BIG TIME!!!!!!
all of my food is dissapearing. i thought it was a while back, but thought maybe i was just being silly, but marked on the packets where things were (i know it sounds stingy, but i really didnt know if i was making it up), and sure enough, my squash (of which it was a NEW bottle) is half gone, my olive oil (which i rarely use) is almost empty, my treats i have are all gone even though out of the hole pack i only had about 4, etc etc etc etc etc...
and you know, then she gets all high n mighty about the money for bills, when i have paid her, and she stil hasnt covered ANY of the internet and racked up a £50 bill last time because she keeps over using it constantly...
i could quite happily commit murder tonight :?
she just makes me so bloody angry!
i can not wait to move... any time from the 20th i can leave *woop*... 8 days and counting!!!
eaten like a pig, still hungry, doing my head in!
just in a general bad mood!!! x
all of my food is dissapearing. i thought it was a while back, but thought maybe i was just being silly, but marked on the packets where things were (i know it sounds stingy, but i really didnt know if i was making it up), and sure enough, my squash (of which it was a NEW bottle) is half gone, my olive oil (which i rarely use) is almost empty, my treats i have are all gone even though out of the hole pack i only had about 4, etc etc etc etc etc...
and you know, then she gets all high n mighty about the money for bills, when i have paid her, and she stil hasnt covered ANY of the internet and racked up a £50 bill last time because she keeps over using it constantly...
i could quite happily commit murder tonight :?
she just makes me so bloody angry!
i can not wait to move... any time from the 20th i can leave *woop*... 8 days and counting!!!
eaten like a pig, still hungry, doing my head in!
just in a general bad mood!!! x
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
helloooo
i cant get it all out of my head. it doesnt matter how much i logically knoe that 6 stone really isnt a healthy working adult weight, it doesnt stop my head wanting to be back down there :( i am doing my best to ignore it, and my body quite frankly will do its utmost to stop me being there either, which is just as well, but so many thoughts!!!
had my fist appoitment with the psych today, and i am releived to say she is acctually lovely! i found it fairly ok to be myself around her, and she said 'lets make a deal, that you dont try and keep me happy'... in other words she would far rather i told her how i felt about her/what was going on... i like that she is strait forwards like that! she has given me 2 tasks to do, one a kinda timeline of events, and how i felt about them, and the other, to write about me in 3rd person :-? going to be a little ummmm interesting i think!
apart from that, food hasnt been wonderful today, didnt eat breakfast before my appointment (i know it isnt an excuse, but i was very nerves), and probably didnt really eat enough for lunch either. i did have some dinner tho, and a couple of rich tea biscets (i LOVE them sooooo much lol, non of this posh chocolate stuff, rich tea's all the way!)
my head is being a little loud at the mo, and i guess im struggling a little, for the reason that one of my bestest friends R isnt doing great and has had the threat of hospital again. i think it will kick her in the right direction, but i guess a bit of me is jealouse that she has already lost weight...messed up i know.
the thing is, i know that even at 6 stone i would be feeling/thinking the same things, its such a messed up illness!!! i know i will never be thin enough, because i know that its not really the weight thats the issue. its the sheer fact i exist that seems to do it really!
i want to have some quiet time from my head. wish i could bugger off on holiday for a few days, to somewhere warm and peacful :-(
had my fist appoitment with the psych today, and i am releived to say she is acctually lovely! i found it fairly ok to be myself around her, and she said 'lets make a deal, that you dont try and keep me happy'... in other words she would far rather i told her how i felt about her/what was going on... i like that she is strait forwards like that! she has given me 2 tasks to do, one a kinda timeline of events, and how i felt about them, and the other, to write about me in 3rd person :-? going to be a little ummmm interesting i think!
apart from that, food hasnt been wonderful today, didnt eat breakfast before my appointment (i know it isnt an excuse, but i was very nerves), and probably didnt really eat enough for lunch either. i did have some dinner tho, and a couple of rich tea biscets (i LOVE them sooooo much lol, non of this posh chocolate stuff, rich tea's all the way!)
my head is being a little loud at the mo, and i guess im struggling a little, for the reason that one of my bestest friends R isnt doing great and has had the threat of hospital again. i think it will kick her in the right direction, but i guess a bit of me is jealouse that she has already lost weight...messed up i know.
the thing is, i know that even at 6 stone i would be feeling/thinking the same things, its such a messed up illness!!! i know i will never be thin enough, because i know that its not really the weight thats the issue. its the sheer fact i exist that seems to do it really!
i want to have some quiet time from my head. wish i could bugger off on holiday for a few days, to somewhere warm and peacful :-(
been a while
well i have beem pretty rubbish latley at this,
but i thought i had better say hi!
not been very talkative!!!
bit of a crazy time really, just waiting for wednesday. which finally see's my first 1 to 1 therapy session. which i am nerves about!!! im glad its finally getting here, but i just hope its ok and that i dont hate her. cant be any worse then pam the spam tho!
been trying to do bits of practice, tho in truth its not going as well as i would like. my motivation seems to be on vacation...maybe im just scared of everything going wrong, so dont want to try just in case.
my knee and ankles hurt like hell, after ballet the other day i could no longer straiten my knee, and although i can now straiten it, it hurts! roll on physio next week!!!
food has been a bit up n down, last nite i seemed to go on a full out binge, i didnt purge, but just couldnt stop eating, even tho i had acctually eaten the right amount yesterday. it seems to be that once i start eating, my body just wants more Confused i just dont want to put on anymore weight, my bmi is now well within healthy range, and doesnt need to go up any more thank you very much! its now a bmi of 21.8 and i dont think it needs to be any higher!
apart from that i have managed to find powdered sheeps milk, which tastes quite nice when made up into normal milk... my tummy has been very iffy with cows milk latley, so at least that should help sort that out! (along with goats, sheeps or buffalo cheese to replace my chedder!).
my mum also got me some calceum magnesium and zinc supplement thing, because apparently it could be a lack in magnesium that is making my joints ache so much...anything is worth a go!
i often wonder if i should get my bone density checked out, as i was on n off with food since i was 12, but im too scared to ask if no one has really suggested it!
firt therapy session tomorrow. nerves, scared, fat...hahaha o dear! x
but i thought i had better say hi!
not been very talkative!!!
bit of a crazy time really, just waiting for wednesday. which finally see's my first 1 to 1 therapy session. which i am nerves about!!! im glad its finally getting here, but i just hope its ok and that i dont hate her. cant be any worse then pam the spam tho!
been trying to do bits of practice, tho in truth its not going as well as i would like. my motivation seems to be on vacation...maybe im just scared of everything going wrong, so dont want to try just in case.
my knee and ankles hurt like hell, after ballet the other day i could no longer straiten my knee, and although i can now straiten it, it hurts! roll on physio next week!!!
food has been a bit up n down, last nite i seemed to go on a full out binge, i didnt purge, but just couldnt stop eating, even tho i had acctually eaten the right amount yesterday. it seems to be that once i start eating, my body just wants more Confused i just dont want to put on anymore weight, my bmi is now well within healthy range, and doesnt need to go up any more thank you very much! its now a bmi of 21.8 and i dont think it needs to be any higher!
apart from that i have managed to find powdered sheeps milk, which tastes quite nice when made up into normal milk... my tummy has been very iffy with cows milk latley, so at least that should help sort that out! (along with goats, sheeps or buffalo cheese to replace my chedder!).
my mum also got me some calceum magnesium and zinc supplement thing, because apparently it could be a lack in magnesium that is making my joints ache so much...anything is worth a go!
i often wonder if i should get my bone density checked out, as i was on n off with food since i was 12, but im too scared to ask if no one has really suggested it!
firt therapy session tomorrow. nerves, scared, fat...hahaha o dear! x
Sunday, 6 March 2011
odd dreams!
i keep having them!
my last dream, i was waiting for an appointment at the hospital, and i saw maggie and jude (a therapist and diaticion) and they said hi, and i was meant to be seeing maggie, but they went into another room and had a chat...for the majority of my dream! they didnt come out, so i waited and waited, and then saw F who runs the group at home go into another room with a couple of doctors and another girl she was helping, and i was still waiting. eventually i gave up and left...!
hmmmmmm!!!
wonder if thats anything to do with me and the waiting lists?1
need to go into college and practice my arse off today, so thats the plan! xxxxx
my last dream, i was waiting for an appointment at the hospital, and i saw maggie and jude (a therapist and diaticion) and they said hi, and i was meant to be seeing maggie, but they went into another room and had a chat...for the majority of my dream! they didnt come out, so i waited and waited, and then saw F who runs the group at home go into another room with a couple of doctors and another girl she was helping, and i was still waiting. eventually i gave up and left...!
hmmmmmm!!!
wonder if thats anything to do with me and the waiting lists?1
need to go into college and practice my arse off today, so thats the plan! xxxxx
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
well, i was trying to be positive today, but iv screwed up again.
i just cant stop wanting to restrict, and then binging in the evening... and then today puring again too.
i keep comfort eating, not for comfort, but more out of punishment i think.
eating makes me feel bad, and i hate being this weight and feel like i deserve to feel bad being here, so i eat more and feel worse.
i know it doesnt make much logical sense, but its whats kinda going on.
im just eating so much at the moment, and i get so unbearably hungry that i binge anyway (or eat a lot maybe), and then feel bad for it.
had enough =-(
i just cant stop wanting to restrict, and then binging in the evening... and then today puring again too.
i keep comfort eating, not for comfort, but more out of punishment i think.
eating makes me feel bad, and i hate being this weight and feel like i deserve to feel bad being here, so i eat more and feel worse.
i know it doesnt make much logical sense, but its whats kinda going on.
im just eating so much at the moment, and i get so unbearably hungry that i binge anyway (or eat a lot maybe), and then feel bad for it.
had enough =-(
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