not such a great night

well, in all honesty im feeling pretty crap tonight.

i dont know why, its just things feel a bit too much and as usual i run around with a huge grin slapped on the front of my face and want to cry every time i finally stop.

im moving house, i have to make my sister birthday cake, i havent practiced enough in weeks, i cant keep on top of anything i need to do, im exhausted and my second period since august has decided to show up, which to be honest is making me feel particularly large.

i hate it coming because it reminds me how fat i now am.
i know its 'healthy' and 'normal', but it doesnt stop my feelings.

i want to be lighter, because it makes me feel like at least im doing something about being unhappy. atleast im making an effort to change...

last weekend i had some pics taken with my sister for her birthday, and they are plastered all over facebook, and they make me want to cry.

i look disgusting. im so fat its doing my head in, and its doing my head in even more that im not alloud to do anything about it. it feels like everyone else is aloud, the amount of times iv seen/heard 'loose weigh, feel great' etc etc, and why cant i?!!!

im also feeling pretty lonley at the moment.
i see people vaguely at college, but its more of a hi, bye thing, and if anyone does ask how i am, im always 'fine'. i just want to have someone i can call, or someone i can tell when im feeling so by myself. i want someone who will come and give me a hug once in a while. i miss having laura in the country so much. i miss having bex close by, i just miss having someone who knows me well enough to know when im bullshitting.

i hate this so much.

i feel so bad, im not getting my ratties out anywhere near enough because im so stressed that i know they will be skittish with me. i feel like such a nasty person for keeping them in their cage, but they bite me when im like this, and i dont know what else to do.

im sorry, i know i shouldnt moan, i just dont know what else to do with myself tonight, and figured it would be better to write it then to do something else.

sorry x