i dont know what to say tonight.
just feel sad, down, lonely, fat. very fat.
the last few weeks iv been desperate to loose weight again. probably because iv been feeling lost without my eating disorder.
iv eaten properly with R, and ate like a pig today (had already eaten 1040kcal and then friend wanted pizza). i cant stand eating this much, i hate being hungry, it feels needy. i dont want to admit im needy... i am tho, not just of food, but of company, or friends, of comfort and love. i dont like to admit that at all.
life is far easier when you can pretend your self proficient, when you can live alone and not need anyone else... i think thats what my eating disorder helped with.
without it, i am no longer able to function alone, yet dont have anyone i trust enough to depend on. never have, not sure i ever will.
as a result i feel unbearably full of my feeling.
when im alone, i just want to cry. because i feel so much that its turned into nothingness. achey empty painful nothingness.
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