helloooo

i cant get it all out of my head. it doesnt matter how much i logically knoe that 6 stone really isnt a healthy working adult weight, it doesnt stop my head wanting to be back down there :( i am doing my best to ignore it, and my body quite frankly will do its utmost to stop me being there either, which is just as well, but so many thoughts!!!

had my fist appoitment with the psych today, and i am releived to say she is acctually lovely! i found it fairly ok to be myself around her, and she said 'lets make a deal, that you dont try and keep me happy'... in other words she would far rather i told her how i felt about her/what was going on... i like that she is strait forwards like that! she has given me 2 tasks to do, one a kinda timeline of events, and how i felt about them, and the other, to write about me in 3rd person :-? going to be a little ummmm interesting i think!

apart from that, food hasnt been wonderful today, didnt eat breakfast before my appointment (i know it isnt an excuse, but i was very nerves), and probably didnt really eat enough for lunch either. i did have some dinner tho, and a couple of rich tea biscets (i LOVE them sooooo much lol, non of this posh chocolate stuff, rich tea's all the way!)

my head is being a little loud at the mo, and i guess im struggling a little, for the reason that one of my bestest friends R isnt doing great and has had the threat of hospital again. i think it will kick her in the right direction, but i guess a bit of me is jealouse that she has already lost weight...messed up i know.

the thing is, i know that even at 6 stone i would be feeling/thinking the same things, its such a messed up illness!!! i know i will never be thin enough, because i know that its not really the weight thats the issue. its the sheer fact i exist that seems to do it really!

i want to have some quiet time from my head. wish i could bugger off on holiday for a few days, to somewhere warm and peacful :-(