i have keeeyyyyssss!

why is it everyone feels to ask if your better now? or if the eating disorder is 'in the past'?!!!

if only it really was that simple.

i never know what to say, and i always get frustrated that people think that just because im coming back to college, means i am 100% better.

you can say 'actually no im not', because then it just looks like your attention seeking, or clinging to the past, but in reality, im not 100% better. im better then i was, but im still finding things hard.

and these are always people who think they know what they are talking about.


today was ok.
on the up side...

i have keys to our flat!
i think i may just get on well with kath... she likes crazy decoration, rubber ducks and 'stuff' as much as i do!
kath is equally as excited to be living with me... thats something iv never had before!
kath will let me use heating in the new flat, and as of sat, i will have my electric blanket, so i wont be as cold!!!



didnt go to my appointment today. i did wake up in time, re considered and went back to sleep... oops.
i went to group, and it was good, but a girl i was in with has just started coming after a relapse, and she is very very tiney. i find it a little difficult seeing someone so small because il be honest - im jeaouse. she discharged herself early (hence the very low weight), but her head does seem in a better place then she ever has been, which i am glad about for her. she knows she has to gain weight, and seems more positive with it. i hope she manages it.

i feel like i have eaten loads today, but im not sure.

i had 2 slices of toast with marmite n cheese (minus crusts)
1 pot of low fat rice pudding with jam
6 chicken nuggets n a few oven chips
1/2 pack of crisps
3/4 bowl of couscous, salad and hallumi
2 chocolates
glass of wine.

is that too much? it feels like a lot more than normal, but i kept getting really cold and was hoping it would warm me up. it hasnt really worked, i cant feel my hands and im shivering... i thought it was my low weight that did this, but it turns out its just my body being incapable of heating myself.

i see my friend bex tomorrow from ip. it will be good to see her, but im a bit worried that she will have lost a lot of weight, and i will find that hard. i will also find food hard. i always feel like i need to eat more infront of her to get her to eat normally, but its like we both put it on infront of each other. i know she is as uncomfortable as i am, and im sure she knows its the same with me. i guess i am dreading having to eat breakfast, lunch AND dinner, and snacks... today was the most iv eaten in a long time, and food wise, it is probably not as much.

i need to sort my head out.

Hello!

well, i should be asleep.

im meant to have an appoinment with franchesca tomorrow, but i dont think im in the mood to go, what with moving house etc.
part of me doesnt want to see her again, as i only have 3 sessions left... i dont really see the pointe in finishing properly, as i dont feel i have had much of a relationship with her anyway... views?

good news is that i should get keys tomorrow, so im busy packing.

tired, and eaten like a piggywig today as per usual.
getting fed up of fooooood x

boo

Hello guys,

well, its been a mixed couple of days, but lets list off the positives-

we have agreement from the owners of the flats, so just waiting on the banks to sort the paper work (which unfortunatly could take 2 weeks)

I am 23 on thurday, and i am not in hospital this year, thus can go to ballet, and go out after it with friends!

my loan is sorting out, just need doctors note.

my room is tidy, washing up done (that makes it tidy for 2 days on the trot!)

i did 3 hours practice today, and i am trying to be ok with imperfection... my mantra is 'im not as good as i WILL be yet' (thus remembering, its not the end of the world if i have a bad day, or one bad performance. its not the end).

i slipped yesterday, and it would have been easy to have done it again today, but i havent.



well, thats 6 positives.


still finding food a bit hard. yesterday wasnt so good. i was stressed about flat, and after realising it would be 2 weeks before i could move, i could think of nothing but making myself sick. i had been hungry anyway, and my head figured 'hey, what the hell' so i went to greggs, got a sausage role and a doughnut, and a bottle of diet coke, went up to thurd floor, and just like old times, i sat in the disabled loos and 'binged' and threw up.
i say binged, it is a binge for me, its food i never eat, but really it probably was a normal thing to eat. i realy only ate it so i could be sick, i think it was the release from that i needed.

however, its something i dont want to do again, and i went in to college today, and didnt - prooving to myself that just because it happened once, doesnt mean it has to happen again.

im finding body image very very hard. i just cant stand my weight and the way im looking, and the more i feel like this, the more i notice it - its a bit of a never ending cycle.

i want to not feel like this, but i dont know how it changes. im trying the staying at a normal weight thing, but its not making much of a difference to the way my head is. im trying to ignore it, but its tiring, and even more so because everyone thinks im better now, so all the support is being cut off.

i wish someone could put a date on when my head would catch up with my body. it wouldnt seem as daunting if i knew it would end, but as it is, ii have no idea.

i hope it gets easier soon.

hello,

today has been mixed.
im finding it hard to be motivated to do anything at the moment. probably because im secretly stressing over everything.

i had an email yesterday from the head of accademic studies saying that i am aloud to retake year 2, so with a doctors note, everything should be covered by the student loans company *phew* so its just a case of waiting for my letter to come through and then i can send it off to the SLC. It does mean that i loose all my marks that i already had, but then they werent great marks as i really wasnt with it! (i think i got some equivelent of 2 2's and 2 1's but without doing anything).

still not heard from the estate agent. dont feel like i can relax until i know i have somewhere to move to. i really hope we can move there, and i really hope they let us know on monday, because i just want everything sorted!

i havent really planned anything for my birthday. its on thursday, but i just feel so overwhelmed with everything that i dont think can deal with planning anything. maybe once iv moved i will have a late one.

just feeling very unmotivated with everything. there is plenty i need to do, but there seems so much that i just stay in bed as long as i can, and spend the rest not doing much at all. im lazy and pretty useless, but i just feel tired of having to make the effort.

my weight keeps going up (still). today it was the highest its been- 53.5kg. i could cry.

update

Hello,

well, things are a bit all over the place, and have been for a few weeks (hence going quiet).

1. i need to move, and due to flat mate to be, and there being no flats, it has taken ages to find somewhere. as of today i think we may have something, but have to wait for the estate agent to check with the owners if they are happy to let us rent, so cant be sure yet.

2. the student loans company font want to pay maintanance loan if i do 2nd year part time (i already compleated half my creddits), but my uni dont want me to resit it, as i passed some already. this leaves me in a situation where i wont be able to afford to go back anyway.

3. i have no money.

4. my flat mate is being more n more of a twat.

5. im no sleeping well unless i knock myself out.

6. i hate my weight, i hate eating this much and im tired of fighting it.

7. i have all of 3 sessions left with francessca, and then thats it. no more help for me..

8. i have very scary performances coming up in october and i dont feel good enough.

9. im fatttttt and i cant get it out of my head.

and 10. im fat.

going to go put my head down, things i took to knock me out are finally kicking in x

'so how do you deal with your emotions if you dont show your angry too paddy?'

i didnt have an answer earier, but i do now.
i came in tonight and he is smoking in the living room - where my washing is drying. his answer to it is 'well it doesnt matter, i will light some inscence tomorrow'

i could cry.
i want to cut.

i am angry beyonde beleif. i knew he had been smoking in the flat, but to not even put the fucking thing out when i came in and to be such a fucking arsehole.

he is having a laugh with kath in the living room.

i need to be out of here now.