i have keeeyyyyssss!

why is it everyone feels to ask if your better now? or if the eating disorder is 'in the past'?!!!

if only it really was that simple.

i never know what to say, and i always get frustrated that people think that just because im coming back to college, means i am 100% better.

you can say 'actually no im not', because then it just looks like your attention seeking, or clinging to the past, but in reality, im not 100% better. im better then i was, but im still finding things hard.

and these are always people who think they know what they are talking about.


today was ok.
on the up side...

i have keys to our flat!
i think i may just get on well with kath... she likes crazy decoration, rubber ducks and 'stuff' as much as i do!
kath is equally as excited to be living with me... thats something iv never had before!
kath will let me use heating in the new flat, and as of sat, i will have my electric blanket, so i wont be as cold!!!



didnt go to my appointment today. i did wake up in time, re considered and went back to sleep... oops.
i went to group, and it was good, but a girl i was in with has just started coming after a relapse, and she is very very tiney. i find it a little difficult seeing someone so small because il be honest - im jeaouse. she discharged herself early (hence the very low weight), but her head does seem in a better place then she ever has been, which i am glad about for her. she knows she has to gain weight, and seems more positive with it. i hope she manages it.

i feel like i have eaten loads today, but im not sure.

i had 2 slices of toast with marmite n cheese (minus crusts)
1 pot of low fat rice pudding with jam
6 chicken nuggets n a few oven chips
1/2 pack of crisps
3/4 bowl of couscous, salad and hallumi
2 chocolates
glass of wine.

is that too much? it feels like a lot more than normal, but i kept getting really cold and was hoping it would warm me up. it hasnt really worked, i cant feel my hands and im shivering... i thought it was my low weight that did this, but it turns out its just my body being incapable of heating myself.

i see my friend bex tomorrow from ip. it will be good to see her, but im a bit worried that she will have lost a lot of weight, and i will find that hard. i will also find food hard. i always feel like i need to eat more infront of her to get her to eat normally, but its like we both put it on infront of each other. i know she is as uncomfortable as i am, and im sure she knows its the same with me. i guess i am dreading having to eat breakfast, lunch AND dinner, and snacks... today was the most iv eaten in a long time, and food wise, it is probably not as much.

i need to sort my head out.