boo

Hello guys,

well, its been a mixed couple of days, but lets list off the positives-

we have agreement from the owners of the flats, so just waiting on the banks to sort the paper work (which unfortunatly could take 2 weeks)

I am 23 on thurday, and i am not in hospital this year, thus can go to ballet, and go out after it with friends!

my loan is sorting out, just need doctors note.

my room is tidy, washing up done (that makes it tidy for 2 days on the trot!)

i did 3 hours practice today, and i am trying to be ok with imperfection... my mantra is 'im not as good as i WILL be yet' (thus remembering, its not the end of the world if i have a bad day, or one bad performance. its not the end).

i slipped yesterday, and it would have been easy to have done it again today, but i havent.



well, thats 6 positives.


still finding food a bit hard. yesterday wasnt so good. i was stressed about flat, and after realising it would be 2 weeks before i could move, i could think of nothing but making myself sick. i had been hungry anyway, and my head figured 'hey, what the hell' so i went to greggs, got a sausage role and a doughnut, and a bottle of diet coke, went up to thurd floor, and just like old times, i sat in the disabled loos and 'binged' and threw up.
i say binged, it is a binge for me, its food i never eat, but really it probably was a normal thing to eat. i realy only ate it so i could be sick, i think it was the release from that i needed.

however, its something i dont want to do again, and i went in to college today, and didnt - prooving to myself that just because it happened once, doesnt mean it has to happen again.

im finding body image very very hard. i just cant stand my weight and the way im looking, and the more i feel like this, the more i notice it - its a bit of a never ending cycle.

i want to not feel like this, but i dont know how it changes. im trying the staying at a normal weight thing, but its not making much of a difference to the way my head is. im trying to ignore it, but its tiring, and even more so because everyone thinks im better now, so all the support is being cut off.

i wish someone could put a date on when my head would catch up with my body. it wouldnt seem as daunting if i knew it would end, but as it is, ii have no idea.

i hope it gets easier soon.