Iv been reading a book from a holocaust surviver that was lying around at home - mum said it was a good one (yes, we are possibly the only house filled with such books - there are many, family roots n all).
I havent thought about it for such a long time - i tend to avoid the subject, i think i find it truly horrifying, and its made worse by knowing im just 2 generations down from it, and how much its effected everyone in my family.
I can not begin too imagine what it was like for my family, or what my grandpa has gone through, knowing that everyone he grew up with in Germany was murdered, and the awful conditions they were kept in until they died. I remember when we visited Teresenstadt, they had a memorial with all the childrens names who had been killed, and he was going along the wall saying 'i knew him, i went too school with her'... he had no emotion on his face - i wanted too cry.
I dont really understand how a whole country, or rather, the majority of Europe, could have found it so acceptable, and let it happen.
How can you forget that humans are humans so easily?
I think im also sad that i look at society now, and see that no one has learned anything - and im not sure they ever will. i look at the racist remarks people chuck around, or the resenment iv heard expressed over imagrents, and i cant help thinking that it wouldnt take much (especially with the economy going down hill) for a similar thing too start happening... i hope it never does.
what a pessimistic view.
I also look back at pictures of concentration camp and ghetto victims, and it makes me feel quite ashamed that i crave to be starving, and thin. my family would have had no choice in it at all, where as i am in compleate control of it, and still cant seem too give it up.
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
the NHS $%&^**(^%$@$£R
well, yet another crazy crazy day!
so, i had an appointment with Dr R the psych im under at the ed place.
we are going too try yet another anti depressant, as the upped dosage isnt doing its job properly, and he could see i was 'quite tearful' and 'down'. so, as he cant see me again till june, he is going to put me onto another of his doctors for the change over (so they can keep a 'close' eye on me), and has given me a perscription too grade down over the next couple of weeks, and then swap me onto another, of which he hasnt decided. the joys.
i also asked if i would see anyone else when i stopped seeing cathrine, too which he replyed that he isnt sure. he sais he will talk to the person who co-ordinates it, but that daycare or IP is also an option?!!! he asked what i thought about daycare again, and i replyed that i would quite frankly rather stay at college...
i really dont understand how they have the funding to put me back in hospital, yet cant let me just see someone once a week?! it seems utterly ridiculas that im so desperate to get well, yet the help they can offer is compleatly wrong.
i guess its nice too know they will catch me before i nose dive, but i really would rather the talking therapy before i need that at all.
from what i gather, the waiting list is too long, and they are using it as a stopgap for people who need more support. as another girl pointed out, it is probably a very roundabout way of getting the help, but i dont want to take time out unless i need to, and although food and depression have gone a little arye, i am still kind of functioning, and i am trying to make my life about music, not about this illness.
if i happen to go particularly down hill, then yes, maybe in the summer i would consider it, but i will be damed if i make my undergrad any longer then it is already!!!
bloody NHS.
im apprehensive about being left with no support, and a little more so as things already are not as good as they could be.
i am of course being an absolute twat, and letting myself do it, but then whats new? im not loosing weight, so it doesnt matter, as i am clearly not doing it well enough.
my god, i could hit myself over the head sometimes.
i left college early as i was just feeling exhausted. i went too one lecture, and got told to go home. im not sure if its food, depression, or just end of term. i guess non of them help the others.
im not sure what i want, or what i am trying too do. a large part wants too be better, but an awful lot of me just cant see me getting there.
i just wish the NHS could give me the right help now, before i go backwards any more :(
so, i had an appointment with Dr R the psych im under at the ed place.
we are going too try yet another anti depressant, as the upped dosage isnt doing its job properly, and he could see i was 'quite tearful' and 'down'. so, as he cant see me again till june, he is going to put me onto another of his doctors for the change over (so they can keep a 'close' eye on me), and has given me a perscription too grade down over the next couple of weeks, and then swap me onto another, of which he hasnt decided. the joys.
i also asked if i would see anyone else when i stopped seeing cathrine, too which he replyed that he isnt sure. he sais he will talk to the person who co-ordinates it, but that daycare or IP is also an option?!!! he asked what i thought about daycare again, and i replyed that i would quite frankly rather stay at college...
i really dont understand how they have the funding to put me back in hospital, yet cant let me just see someone once a week?! it seems utterly ridiculas that im so desperate to get well, yet the help they can offer is compleatly wrong.
i guess its nice too know they will catch me before i nose dive, but i really would rather the talking therapy before i need that at all.
from what i gather, the waiting list is too long, and they are using it as a stopgap for people who need more support. as another girl pointed out, it is probably a very roundabout way of getting the help, but i dont want to take time out unless i need to, and although food and depression have gone a little arye, i am still kind of functioning, and i am trying to make my life about music, not about this illness.
if i happen to go particularly down hill, then yes, maybe in the summer i would consider it, but i will be damed if i make my undergrad any longer then it is already!!!
bloody NHS.
im apprehensive about being left with no support, and a little more so as things already are not as good as they could be.
i am of course being an absolute twat, and letting myself do it, but then whats new? im not loosing weight, so it doesnt matter, as i am clearly not doing it well enough.
my god, i could hit myself over the head sometimes.
i left college early as i was just feeling exhausted. i went too one lecture, and got told to go home. im not sure if its food, depression, or just end of term. i guess non of them help the others.
im not sure what i want, or what i am trying too do. a large part wants too be better, but an awful lot of me just cant see me getting there.
i just wish the NHS could give me the right help now, before i go backwards any more :(
Friday, 16 March 2012
i suck.
Hello,
gosh im moaning a lot latly.
my technical exam was AWFUL (and no, i am not just saying it). at the end, my teacher turned round and said 'you messed that one up didnt you'... i literaly scraped a pass - i got 42, the pass mark is 40. iv never done so badly in an exam, nor made such a fool of myself.
and the worst thing is, i had tried to actually prepare for it - and it still all went wrong.
sometimes i dont know why im doing music. i never seem to be able too do the simplest of things, and i look like such an idiot trying. I hate how much it affects me when i do badly, and i hate how much i care about it. i never used too.
needless too say, i have not had a good day.
im feeling physically wrecked. My wrists and hands are so achey, and my back n neck hurt (and have been giving me headaches for the last week). My mouth is equally screwed - i have mouth ulcers, and seem to have taken the skin on the roof of my mouth off, and those little painful bits on my tongue. My throat hurts from purging, and i have heartburn, from said purging - in short, i have screwed myself over... you would think this would make me stop throwing up and make me eat more again?!!!
I am so fed up of this circle.
My recorder teacher told me how well i looked, and that i seemed so much better and happier... little does she know that i cry myself too sleep most nights, that i skip lectures because i cant get up, and that im still making myself sick n restricing most days... sure seems 'better' too me.
it sounds stupid, but atleast when i was blatently ill, people knew that things were shit. now, if i tell anyone otherwise, they just think im making it up, and being pesimistic... i wish that was the case. i feel like i look attention seeking, and stupid when i say anything otherwise, but at the same time, i would really like someone too know that im not coping all that well.
maybe i just want a hug.
Im so tired of all of this.
saw the hand specialist, and on the up side, she thinks she can sort me out, but it will take time, and i need to apply to another place for funding, as she says it will take more then the £500 awarded by the MBF, so more forms too fill in.
Its basically hypermobility with no strength (my hand strength is on the 10th percentile... so im weaker then 90% of the population!), and a lot of tension... she has given me excercises to strengthan my hands, and i see her again in a couple of weeks.
fingers crossed.
on the pluss side, anabelle didnt say too much about how badly i did in my exam - maybe she already knows i feel bad enough. if my wrists werent as bad, i could have prepared more, but nevermind, nothing i can do.
have another appointment with catherine tomorrow. not sure i really want it.
sorry for yet another down post x
gosh im moaning a lot latly.
my technical exam was AWFUL (and no, i am not just saying it). at the end, my teacher turned round and said 'you messed that one up didnt you'... i literaly scraped a pass - i got 42, the pass mark is 40. iv never done so badly in an exam, nor made such a fool of myself.
and the worst thing is, i had tried to actually prepare for it - and it still all went wrong.
sometimes i dont know why im doing music. i never seem to be able too do the simplest of things, and i look like such an idiot trying. I hate how much it affects me when i do badly, and i hate how much i care about it. i never used too.
needless too say, i have not had a good day.
im feeling physically wrecked. My wrists and hands are so achey, and my back n neck hurt (and have been giving me headaches for the last week). My mouth is equally screwed - i have mouth ulcers, and seem to have taken the skin on the roof of my mouth off, and those little painful bits on my tongue. My throat hurts from purging, and i have heartburn, from said purging - in short, i have screwed myself over... you would think this would make me stop throwing up and make me eat more again?!!!
I am so fed up of this circle.
My recorder teacher told me how well i looked, and that i seemed so much better and happier... little does she know that i cry myself too sleep most nights, that i skip lectures because i cant get up, and that im still making myself sick n restricing most days... sure seems 'better' too me.
it sounds stupid, but atleast when i was blatently ill, people knew that things were shit. now, if i tell anyone otherwise, they just think im making it up, and being pesimistic... i wish that was the case. i feel like i look attention seeking, and stupid when i say anything otherwise, but at the same time, i would really like someone too know that im not coping all that well.
maybe i just want a hug.
Im so tired of all of this.
saw the hand specialist, and on the up side, she thinks she can sort me out, but it will take time, and i need to apply to another place for funding, as she says it will take more then the £500 awarded by the MBF, so more forms too fill in.
Its basically hypermobility with no strength (my hand strength is on the 10th percentile... so im weaker then 90% of the population!), and a lot of tension... she has given me excercises to strengthan my hands, and i see her again in a couple of weeks.
fingers crossed.
on the pluss side, anabelle didnt say too much about how badly i did in my exam - maybe she already knows i feel bad enough. if my wrists werent as bad, i could have prepared more, but nevermind, nothing i can do.
have another appointment with catherine tomorrow. not sure i really want it.
sorry for yet another down post x
Sunday, 11 March 2012
another let down.
So, another pretty crappy week, the worst of it being that the person i have been seeing since the end of jan at the ed place has told me she has too stop seeing me, as she is being moved back to working with the IP again.
im pretty pissed off to be honest, as this is the only person i have ever seen here that i can actually talk to, and its been cut off almost as soon as its started. She has asked for an 'extended' ending, which gives me 9 sessions left before i am left too it.
I asked if i would see someone else after, and she sais she isnt sure. she says she knows im not better yet, and that she is aweare its come at a really bad time (no shit), but that there is nothing she can do, and she doesnt know what can/will be offered after.
the worst thing is, that the aftercare group i have been in since leaving IP has an 18 month cut off, which essentially means all of my current support is being dropped at the same time.
im not sure that im going to be able too cope.
food has been a bit crappy lately anyway, but this really hasnt helped matters. she wants me to get my bloods done next time im there, and its not like my body ever looses weight, so in recovery terms, i guess thats a good thing, but its needless too say pissing my ed head off!
i have my technical exam (scales n studies) on wednesday, and i have barley practiced - my head has not been in the right space - but it will likley mean i really screw it up.
my wrists have also been majorly painful, im only managing a couple of hours playing in a day, and they are so achey that i want to tear them off. I have an appointment with a had specialist on tuesday in london, and really hoping she will be able to help, because im not going to get through music college like this, let alone have a career in it
i just want too cry all of the time. im so fed up of feeling messed around, and let down.
Im fed up of trying too trust people, every time i do, i get handed the evidence of why i shouldnt,
Im not even sure i want a new person - i dont want this too happen again.
im pretty pissed off to be honest, as this is the only person i have ever seen here that i can actually talk to, and its been cut off almost as soon as its started. She has asked for an 'extended' ending, which gives me 9 sessions left before i am left too it.
I asked if i would see someone else after, and she sais she isnt sure. she says she knows im not better yet, and that she is aweare its come at a really bad time (no shit), but that there is nothing she can do, and she doesnt know what can/will be offered after.
the worst thing is, that the aftercare group i have been in since leaving IP has an 18 month cut off, which essentially means all of my current support is being dropped at the same time.
im not sure that im going to be able too cope.
food has been a bit crappy lately anyway, but this really hasnt helped matters. she wants me to get my bloods done next time im there, and its not like my body ever looses weight, so in recovery terms, i guess thats a good thing, but its needless too say pissing my ed head off!
i have my technical exam (scales n studies) on wednesday, and i have barley practiced - my head has not been in the right space - but it will likley mean i really screw it up.
my wrists have also been majorly painful, im only managing a couple of hours playing in a day, and they are so achey that i want to tear them off. I have an appointment with a had specialist on tuesday in london, and really hoping she will be able to help, because im not going to get through music college like this, let alone have a career in it
i just want too cry all of the time. im so fed up of feeling messed around, and let down.
Im fed up of trying too trust people, every time i do, i get handed the evidence of why i shouldnt,
Im not even sure i want a new person - i dont want this too happen again.
Friday, 9 March 2012
another peice of art
todays art.
had a mixed few days.
went too group yesterday, and spent the large majority of it crying.
i didnt mean too, but i seemed too take up rather a lot of time. everyone was trying too offer helpful comments, but i never really realise that my depression, low self esteem and 0 confidence gets in the way of everything.
as do the automatic thoughts that i just cant shake off.
that no matter how well i do, or what i win, it is never going to be enough, because it is never perfect.
and i just cant get used to the idea that not perfect is ok.
if not being perfect is ok, then i will get lazy. i will become a crap musicion (person). if not being perfect is ok, i will become fat (i already am), i will be disliked by everyone, and i will dislike myself even more because i will be even more lazy.
i see the flaws in that thinking, i really do,
but seeing does not equal beleiving... i have 23 years of proof that that thinking worked.
(maybe not 100% perfectly, but i am at music college, and i do work hard- tho not hard enough)
sometimes when i see what my gran so efforrtlesly instilled in me, it makes me angry. and a bit sad.
we also seemed to realise that non of us in that room had bothered rebelling as a teenager... we were all the grown up well behaved teens... reckon that plays a part in EDs?
in other news, i still cant play my technical stuff, and i had a rather embarrasing moment when Ben, a fellow recorder player, gave me a bunch of flowers... a sweet gesture, but alas, he is not my type in the slightest...awkward!!!
xxx
Sunday, 4 March 2012
O guys,
all is a bit of a muddle in charlotte land.
I should be feeling insainly happy about my win - after all, it is a massive acheivment too not only play the recorder better then the others at college, but also to have stayed 'healthy' enough to actually be in college, and enter, and follow it through...
that should make me feel good.
it doesnt.
i was rather hoping that maybe winning would show me how amazing being well is - with hindsight i should have known that that may have been a little unrealistic.
instead, i am coming to realise that there is nothing that ever seems to feel as 'good' as my brain is trying to convince me that being thin felt (this seems to rather ignore the fact that i was pretty depressed and suicidal at my smallest - so in logical terms, it could not have really been that great, could it?!)
i want too cry constantly. i am desperate to run as fast as i can back too starving myself - and the WORST thing is, is that i know i can NEVER do it again. i cant allow myself, because i know it doesnt fit in too life - and i know that i am meant to be living in that, not in some insanely warped reality where 'good' is being so thin your killing yourself, and 'bad' is being a normal functioning weight.
i just want too be normal.
all is a bit of a muddle in charlotte land.
I should be feeling insainly happy about my win - after all, it is a massive acheivment too not only play the recorder better then the others at college, but also to have stayed 'healthy' enough to actually be in college, and enter, and follow it through...
that should make me feel good.
it doesnt.
i was rather hoping that maybe winning would show me how amazing being well is - with hindsight i should have known that that may have been a little unrealistic.
instead, i am coming to realise that there is nothing that ever seems to feel as 'good' as my brain is trying to convince me that being thin felt (this seems to rather ignore the fact that i was pretty depressed and suicidal at my smallest - so in logical terms, it could not have really been that great, could it?!)
i want too cry constantly. i am desperate to run as fast as i can back too starving myself - and the WORST thing is, is that i know i can NEVER do it again. i cant allow myself, because i know it doesnt fit in too life - and i know that i am meant to be living in that, not in some insanely warped reality where 'good' is being so thin your killing yourself, and 'bad' is being a normal functioning weight.
i just want too be normal.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
I won the Recorder Prize tonight (29th feb)
and i even had some chips - real chips =-0
I almost cried when she said i had won -
Im back at college, and i am (not sure i believe it) doing ok!
as much as i want to be thin - this is in the real world.
My recorder means more to everyone than being 6 stone. so, by logic, it should mean more too me.
maybe one day i could really be a musician, who can perform, and who really enjoys it, and believes that she can do it.
one day x
and i even had some chips - real chips =-0
I almost cried when she said i had won -
Im back at college, and i am (not sure i believe it) doing ok!
as much as i want to be thin - this is in the real world.
My recorder means more to everyone than being 6 stone. so, by logic, it should mean more too me.
maybe one day i could really be a musician, who can perform, and who really enjoys it, and believes that she can do it.
one day x
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