O guys,

all is a bit of a muddle in charlotte land.

I should be feeling insainly happy about my win - after all, it is a massive acheivment too not only play the recorder better then the others at college, but also to have stayed 'healthy' enough to actually be in college, and enter, and follow it through...

that should make me feel good.

it doesnt.

i was rather hoping that maybe winning would show me how amazing being well is - with hindsight i should have known that that may have been a little unrealistic.

instead, i am coming to realise that there is nothing that ever seems to feel as 'good' as my brain is trying to convince me that being thin felt (this seems to rather ignore the fact that i was pretty depressed and suicidal at my smallest - so in logical terms, it could not have really been that great, could it?!)

i want too cry constantly. i am desperate to run as fast as i can back too starving myself - and the WORST thing is, is that i know i can NEVER do it again. i cant allow myself, because i know it doesnt fit in too life - and i know that i am meant to be living in that, not in some insanely warped reality where 'good' is being so thin your killing yourself, and 'bad' is being a normal functioning weight.

i just want too be normal.