the NHS $%&^**(^%$@$£R

well, yet another crazy crazy day!

so, i had an appointment with Dr R the psych im under at the ed place.

we are going too try yet another anti depressant, as the upped dosage isnt doing its job properly, and he could see i was 'quite tearful' and 'down'. so, as he cant see me again till june, he is going to put me onto another of his doctors for the change over (so they can keep a 'close' eye on me), and has given me a perscription too grade down over the next couple of weeks, and then swap me onto another, of which he hasnt decided. the joys.

i also asked if i would see anyone else when i stopped seeing cathrine, too which he replyed that he isnt sure. he sais he will talk to the person who co-ordinates it, but that daycare or IP is also an option?!!! he asked what i thought about daycare again, and i replyed that i would quite frankly rather stay at college...

i really dont understand how they have the funding to put me back in hospital, yet cant let me just see someone once a week?! it seems utterly ridiculas that im so desperate to get well, yet the help they can offer is compleatly wrong.

i guess its nice too know they will catch me before i nose dive, but i really would rather the talking therapy before i need that at all.

from what i gather, the waiting list is too long, and they are using it as a stopgap for people who need more support. as another girl pointed out, it is probably a very roundabout way of getting the help, but i dont want to take time out unless i need to, and although food and depression have gone a little arye, i am still kind of functioning, and i am trying to make my life about music, not about this illness.

if i happen to go particularly down hill, then yes, maybe in the summer i would consider it, but i will be damed if i make my undergrad any longer then it is already!!!

bloody NHS.

im apprehensive about being left with no support, and a little more so as things already are not as good as they could be.
i am of course being an absolute twat, and letting myself do it, but then whats new? im not loosing weight, so it doesnt matter, as i am clearly not doing it well enough.

my god, i could hit myself over the head sometimes.

i left college early as i was just feeling exhausted. i went too one lecture, and got told to go home. im not sure if its food, depression, or just end of term. i guess non of them help the others.

im not sure what i want, or what i am trying too do. a large part wants too be better, but an awful lot of me just cant see me getting there.

i just wish the NHS could give me the right help now, before i go backwards any more :(