i suck.

Hello,

gosh im moaning a lot latly.

my technical exam was AWFUL (and no, i am not just saying it). at the end, my teacher turned round and said 'you messed that one up didnt you'... i literaly scraped a pass - i got 42, the pass mark is 40. iv never done so badly in an exam, nor made such a fool of myself.

and the worst thing is, i had tried to actually prepare for it - and it still all went wrong.

sometimes i dont know why im doing music. i never seem to be able too do the simplest of things, and i look like such an idiot trying. I hate how much it affects me when i do badly, and i hate how much i care about it. i never used too.

needless too say, i have not had a good day.

im feeling physically wrecked. My wrists and hands are so achey, and my back n neck hurt (and have been giving me headaches for the last week). My mouth is equally screwed - i have mouth ulcers, and seem to have taken the skin on the roof of my mouth off, and those little painful bits on my tongue. My throat hurts from purging, and i have heartburn, from said purging - in short, i have screwed myself over... you would think this would make me stop throwing up and make me eat more again?!!!

I am so fed up of this circle.

My recorder teacher told me how well i looked, and that i seemed so much better and happier... little does she know that i cry myself too sleep most nights, that i skip lectures because i cant get up, and that im still making myself sick n restricing most days... sure seems 'better' too me.

it sounds stupid, but atleast when i was blatently ill, people knew that things were shit. now, if i tell anyone otherwise, they just think im making it up, and being pesimistic... i wish that was the case. i feel like i look attention seeking, and stupid when i say anything otherwise, but at the same time, i would really like someone too know that im not coping all that well.

maybe i just want a hug.

Im so tired of all of this.

saw the hand specialist, and on the up side, she thinks she can sort me out, but it will take time, and i need to apply to another place for funding, as she says it will take more then the £500 awarded by the MBF, so more forms too fill in.
Its basically hypermobility with no strength (my hand strength is on the 10th percentile... so im weaker then 90% of the population!), and a lot of tension... she has given me excercises to strengthan my hands, and i see her again in a couple of weeks.

fingers crossed.

on the pluss side, anabelle didnt say too much about how badly i did in my exam - maybe she already knows i feel bad enough. if my wrists werent as bad, i could have prepared more, but nevermind, nothing i can do.

have another appointment with catherine tomorrow. not sure i really want it.

sorry for yet another down post x