another peice of art

todays art.

had a mixed few days.
went too group yesterday, and spent the large majority of it crying.
i didnt mean too, but i seemed too take up rather a lot of time. everyone was trying too offer helpful comments, but i never really realise that my depression, low self esteem and 0 confidence gets in the way of everything.
as do the automatic thoughts that i just cant shake off.

that no matter how well i do, or what i win, it is never going to be enough, because it is never perfect.
and i just cant get used to the idea that not perfect is ok.

if not being perfect is ok, then i will get lazy. i will become a crap musicion (person). if not being perfect is ok, i will become fat (i already am), i will be disliked by everyone, and i will dislike myself even more because i will be even more lazy.

i see the flaws in that thinking, i really do,
but seeing does not equal beleiving... i have 23 years of proof that that thinking worked.

(maybe not 100% perfectly, but i am at music college, and i do work hard- tho not hard enough)

sometimes when i see what my gran so efforrtlesly instilled in me, it makes me angry. and a bit sad.

we also seemed to realise that non of us in that room had bothered rebelling as a teenager... we were all the grown up well behaved teens... reckon that plays a part in EDs?

in other news, i still cant play my technical stuff, and i had a rather embarrasing moment when Ben, a fellow recorder player, gave me a bunch of flowers... a sweet gesture, but alas, he is not my type in the slightest...awkward!!!

xxx