well, here it is, my last day.
its going to be really weird without it, iv been there about 3 months, and now it is over, even though it feels like iv bairly been there!
on the up side...
i can have small amounts of foods i havent touched in YEARS,
i trust the NHS a little more,
im starting too talk about things too people
i have met some amazing people.
so there we are, thats positive right? even if im not eating enough, it is deffinatly a start!
i think im also going too take a gap year from college too sort myself out =-s
the choices are too rush things and compleate everything before september, go into third year, and do the hole carrying on thing that hasnt worked so well.
it was really weird today saying good bye to people, im glad its over, feeling exhausted. guess iv been quite anxious/emotional all day.
i wont miss the place, or the food lol, but i will miss the people. even pooface emma i may miss a little! think we just managed too start working each other out!
i will see jude for an assesment on the 12th, pam once a week and will see dr naziri too discuss things further and see about what will happen in the future.
thy also contacted my comunity mental health team, whoever they are! so i guess il be seeing them too.
im glad i wont be left compleatly alone, but feels odd too not have the people too talk too.
hopefully il be moving house tomorrow, which will be a big load off my mind! and i guess it will keep me distracted which is good.
merlin the rat is becoming more tame which is nice, was just holding him and not a nip! he is a very welcome bit of company.
i guess im feeling a little lonley, but i hope that il find some people too socialise with...any conversations welcome guys! x
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Monday, 26 July 2010
just want my own space!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I JUST WANT MY OWN SPACE.
i want too go too bed when i want, rather then waiting for paddy too finish watching tv.
i want too have my cloths out.
i want too have my kitchen stuff out.
i want a door i can lock and shut my self in =-(
i want an address
I WANT A BLOODY HOUSE.
in a bad mood tonight!
paddy is annoying me, watching comedy and laughing loudly at tv that isnt funny.
i finish daycare on thursday, which is odd. 3 months il have been there.
laura is off in canada, and beccy is heading into inpatiant, and i cant afford too travel amywhere... in short i am feeling very lonley at the moment.
im also feeling incereadibly bloody fat. must loose some weight. not even sure im capable of that any more =-(
im so bloody pissed off.
I JUST WANT MY OWN SPACE.
i want too go too bed when i want, rather then waiting for paddy too finish watching tv.
i want too have my cloths out.
i want too have my kitchen stuff out.
i want a door i can lock and shut my self in =-(
i want an address
I WANT A BLOODY HOUSE.
in a bad mood tonight!
paddy is annoying me, watching comedy and laughing loudly at tv that isnt funny.
i finish daycare on thursday, which is odd. 3 months il have been there.
laura is off in canada, and beccy is heading into inpatiant, and i cant afford too travel amywhere... in short i am feeling very lonley at the moment.
im also feeling incereadibly bloody fat. must loose some weight. not even sure im capable of that any more =-(
im so bloody pissed off.
Friday, 23 July 2010
everyones leaving...again
well, here i am feeling sad and sorry for myself.
so, laura is off in canada for a year (being one of my closest friends), and becky, the person im closest too up in birmingham, is now off to inpatient on monday...
i am so glad she is going in and being helped, but it just seems to bring up old feelings. it always happened that as soon as i had someone i started to get close too, something happened, or someone would say something, and that would be the end of the friendship. either that, or they would move away.
i guess i never really had any long lasting bonds, and i find it hard to cope still when people leave, as i am scared that il be alone again.
i will miss bex loads, she is someone i have been doing really well with recovery wise, and it will be hard without her...no more recovery club or cupcake trips! i think i find it hard alone, as i have no reason too do it...being around her means i have to because she has to, and i know she is the same.
i know its for the best, and il be fine, but its just a bit difficult, as i am discharged next thursday, and its just another change.
i feel like i need people around, but dont know who to ask, or how to ask. i feel alone and scared of everything thats going round my head.
so, as a result tonight i have purged twice...binged once. i think i just wanted too ignore myself, and thats what the purging helps with.
blahblahblah!
so, laura is off in canada for a year (being one of my closest friends), and becky, the person im closest too up in birmingham, is now off to inpatient on monday...
i am so glad she is going in and being helped, but it just seems to bring up old feelings. it always happened that as soon as i had someone i started to get close too, something happened, or someone would say something, and that would be the end of the friendship. either that, or they would move away.
i guess i never really had any long lasting bonds, and i find it hard to cope still when people leave, as i am scared that il be alone again.
i will miss bex loads, she is someone i have been doing really well with recovery wise, and it will be hard without her...no more recovery club or cupcake trips! i think i find it hard alone, as i have no reason too do it...being around her means i have to because she has to, and i know she is the same.
i know its for the best, and il be fine, but its just a bit difficult, as i am discharged next thursday, and its just another change.
i feel like i need people around, but dont know who to ask, or how to ask. i feel alone and scared of everything thats going round my head.
so, as a result tonight i have purged twice...binged once. i think i just wanted too ignore myself, and thats what the purging helps with.
blahblahblah!
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
computer geeks and a numb bum!
that about sums up today!!!
stewarding at college, for 11 hours, was the most tediouse day ever! my bum was numb after about the first hour!
the joke of it is, it was a computer conference, full of rather sterio typical geeky socialy inept blokes, and there was a book on one of the stand about forming a good social comunity...made me giggle =-)
found food a bit hard, just wanted too restrict lots, i havent too much, i think iv had around 1000 kcal, and will probably have something before bed.
i think there is a lot on my mind.
tomorrow i have a biopsy of the lump in my breast, which is fine, but a hassel and they will acctually make a visabe mark on it wich is a bit pants! thats at half 10, and then its back too daycare at 12, which again im not overly excited about!
very awear i finish next week, which i am mixed about. i know being here is pointless if i cant mannage it, and i have gotten some benefit from it, tho i know im not getting much from it now. i think im nerves about not having the support of the girls around, and also not being made too eat weather i want it or not. i guess i will find it weird not going there most days, i have been there 1/4 of a year which is nuts, and it doesnt feel that long, but it will be odd not having the staff too kick me up the arse!
im a bit scared of being alone i guess. i think i know there is a large large part that isnt behaving itself, and wants too loose weight...but thats going too be there weather im in daycare or not, and its not daycare that stops me listening too it.
its a change, and its scary being left too my own devices.
still, i have after care group once a week, and pam once a week, and i think il be seeing dr nasiri too, not that he is any use.
im not sure if they will moniter my weight or not, i kinda hope they will because itl make me less likely too loose it.
also trying too decide what too do about college. i think i want too re take second year. i dont feel ready too do a year thats marked, as i dont trust myself too get through it without time off... particularly if i start acctually talking about stuff with pam, i think i may be knocked for 6 for a bit.
it would take some of the pressure off and just give me a chance too sort myself out without stressing over college.
i dont know, im scared of the future i guess.
i feel unmotivated, particularly around college. but i know its probably because im scared of failing... silly head!
i hope i can sort myself out. x
stewarding at college, for 11 hours, was the most tediouse day ever! my bum was numb after about the first hour!
the joke of it is, it was a computer conference, full of rather sterio typical geeky socialy inept blokes, and there was a book on one of the stand about forming a good social comunity...made me giggle =-)
found food a bit hard, just wanted too restrict lots, i havent too much, i think iv had around 1000 kcal, and will probably have something before bed.
i think there is a lot on my mind.
tomorrow i have a biopsy of the lump in my breast, which is fine, but a hassel and they will acctually make a visabe mark on it wich is a bit pants! thats at half 10, and then its back too daycare at 12, which again im not overly excited about!
very awear i finish next week, which i am mixed about. i know being here is pointless if i cant mannage it, and i have gotten some benefit from it, tho i know im not getting much from it now. i think im nerves about not having the support of the girls around, and also not being made too eat weather i want it or not. i guess i will find it weird not going there most days, i have been there 1/4 of a year which is nuts, and it doesnt feel that long, but it will be odd not having the staff too kick me up the arse!
im a bit scared of being alone i guess. i think i know there is a large large part that isnt behaving itself, and wants too loose weight...but thats going too be there weather im in daycare or not, and its not daycare that stops me listening too it.
its a change, and its scary being left too my own devices.
still, i have after care group once a week, and pam once a week, and i think il be seeing dr nasiri too, not that he is any use.
im not sure if they will moniter my weight or not, i kinda hope they will because itl make me less likely too loose it.
also trying too decide what too do about college. i think i want too re take second year. i dont feel ready too do a year thats marked, as i dont trust myself too get through it without time off... particularly if i start acctually talking about stuff with pam, i think i may be knocked for 6 for a bit.
it would take some of the pressure off and just give me a chance too sort myself out without stressing over college.
i dont know, im scared of the future i guess.
i feel unmotivated, particularly around college. but i know its probably because im scared of failing... silly head!
i hope i can sort myself out. x
Monday, 19 July 2010
what am i waiting for?!
well,
there it is, the question i have been asking myself for almost the last 10 years...
what am i waiting for before i recover?
what will be the magic moment where i decide enough is enough?
what will be the weight i finally accept that i really have a problem?
why cant i just do this???!!!
im getting very frustrated with myself for not doing it. i sit in daycare, and all i can think about is loosing weight when i leave - pointless and stupid, yet my head needs too obsess.
i keep talking too friends and convincing them out of it, yet its impossible too beleive what i say and let myself get better.
i never thought this illness was a problem, always thought i could escape it when i wanted, but the more i start to think about it, the more i realise its not true. if it was true, i would have sat down and gotten on with eating years ago.
it feels like im at a point where im standing on top of a cliff, and i am about too fall off - that moment of fear just before you think your going to trip or fall, that you cant control. its that way you stop yourself instinctivly but with a high pulse n short breath. i cant really describe it very well, like when your really angry/sad and want to say something or scream but stop yourself. i dont know.
i had a session with Pam, my first session with a therapist, on thursday.
it was ok, but i have started too realise how i use this ED. i came out of the session, and tried hard not too want too throw up, but i did. i threw up because i was scared of letting myself think.
it feels at the moment like if i start thinking, everything is going too be overwhelming and i wont cope with it all.
so, in steps ed, i use it too stop thinking, to shut it off when it could be too much and too stop myself falling apart when i think i could.
iv realised that all through day care, this is what iv been doing. im too scared too start looking at the problems, so i have continued too mess up my food as a way of escaping it.
i wish i could find a way too stop doing it, but im just too scared too let myself go any further. what if i fall apart and cant cope?
il be damned if i fall back in to a place where i have 180 pills collected and a bottle of rum hidden by my bed, just incase i cant last another night.
i guess at the moment, ed seems a lot less scary then feeling suicidal again =-(
there it is, the question i have been asking myself for almost the last 10 years...
what am i waiting for before i recover?
what will be the magic moment where i decide enough is enough?
what will be the weight i finally accept that i really have a problem?
why cant i just do this???!!!
im getting very frustrated with myself for not doing it. i sit in daycare, and all i can think about is loosing weight when i leave - pointless and stupid, yet my head needs too obsess.
i keep talking too friends and convincing them out of it, yet its impossible too beleive what i say and let myself get better.
i never thought this illness was a problem, always thought i could escape it when i wanted, but the more i start to think about it, the more i realise its not true. if it was true, i would have sat down and gotten on with eating years ago.
it feels like im at a point where im standing on top of a cliff, and i am about too fall off - that moment of fear just before you think your going to trip or fall, that you cant control. its that way you stop yourself instinctivly but with a high pulse n short breath. i cant really describe it very well, like when your really angry/sad and want to say something or scream but stop yourself. i dont know.
i had a session with Pam, my first session with a therapist, on thursday.
it was ok, but i have started too realise how i use this ED. i came out of the session, and tried hard not too want too throw up, but i did. i threw up because i was scared of letting myself think.
it feels at the moment like if i start thinking, everything is going too be overwhelming and i wont cope with it all.
so, in steps ed, i use it too stop thinking, to shut it off when it could be too much and too stop myself falling apart when i think i could.
iv realised that all through day care, this is what iv been doing. im too scared too start looking at the problems, so i have continued too mess up my food as a way of escaping it.
i wish i could find a way too stop doing it, but im just too scared too let myself go any further. what if i fall apart and cant cope?
il be damned if i fall back in to a place where i have 180 pills collected and a bottle of rum hidden by my bed, just incase i cant last another night.
i guess at the moment, ed seems a lot less scary then feeling suicidal again =-(
Thursday, 8 July 2010
if only there was a lift...
well today has been perhaps one of the shitest days iv had in a while... or maybe the most truthful.
this morning started off ok, well ish. had a great night last night but had too attempt too fake weight gain of over a kg which is near impossible, really should just put on the weight but it seems an impossible thing right now.
part way through morning group i got pulled out for an assesment with lisa (the other half finally), this was more stressful then i anticipated...
i have come too the conculsion i dont feel too depressed as long as i am not thinking. if i am distracted (hello ed), then i wont feel sad/upset/hopeless/lonley. if i am distracted, then i can live.
if however, i think, then living is not an option, unless you count a share in kleenex and hiding under a blanket crying as a life.
im not even sure what it is, there is just so much stuff, and its all blurred into one big thing i avoid.
the assesment started ok, but we got chatting and she was saying how things sounded really stressful, and i was like 'naaah thyve been worse, im fine!', and she was like 'charlotte, your not ok are you' too which my reply was 'theyve been worse', and again 'charlotte your not ok are you'...'iv been better'...charlotte your not ok are you'... que tears and the admitting that noooooo im probably not very ok at all.
aaaannnd it went on from there, i was fine untill she made me think, and then i melted. soooo im now a priority for help, what the fuck?! really, i know how too cope, it may not be the healthiest, but iv worked out how too not be suicidal, which is all i care about!
she said she could see that really at the moment its more about just getting through a day, rather then recovering, and she could also see that although not eating/purging/cutting arent too be advised, she could see those behaviours cant change while im feeling like this, and that they are better then me doing something worse (who needs anti depressants when you have an ed and self harm e?!...o ye, im on them too), it feels like she is making a big deal out of something that doesnt need too be made a big deal of...iv survived this much, im sure il survive another 20 odd years. but then when i think about things i cant get through a day without wanting too dissapear (hence the not thinking stratergy).
sooooo after that session i had body image group, and left after 5 min coz i couldnt stop crying, sat in the lounge crying, and then 20 min late, lisa saw me and then spent the next hour getting me too calm down in the art room (what do you do when you feel like this?...GO TO SLEEEEEEPPPP). finally managed to stop crying, only too be faced with a fuck off massive sandwhich AND packet of crisps for lunch, which i really didnt want, and hey, guess what?! yup thats right, walked out and burst right back into tears again!
wouldnt have finished lunch if it wasnt for bex outside with a sign reading 'you better finish or il come and kick your arse!'... i love that girl!
soooo then i carried on crying after lunch and finally stopped by about 3... i was bloody nackered!
in review today they said they had 'noticed you have been more teary then usual'...!!!
i was told that i need too make sure i ring if i need them, as they are here even when im not, and that i need too accept some support, because apparently i really need it.
they seem more worried then they should be, as i say, as long as i dont think I AM FINE.
so, 3 weeks left and then im done with daycare... im not so fussed, i cant do the hole food thing at the moment, i really cant, i just need too focus on something that isnt my thoughts, and so far food is the only thing that works. i know they will keep an eye on me, and make sure im not doing too much damage, so im not worrying too much about this at the moment!
right, now iv blahed about the day i should sleep, first day stewarding tomorrow...10-8.30 and i have no money, so it looks like its cerial bars and muller rice's alllll day tomorrow! (the only food i have in!)
this morning started off ok, well ish. had a great night last night but had too attempt too fake weight gain of over a kg which is near impossible, really should just put on the weight but it seems an impossible thing right now.
part way through morning group i got pulled out for an assesment with lisa (the other half finally), this was more stressful then i anticipated...
i have come too the conculsion i dont feel too depressed as long as i am not thinking. if i am distracted (hello ed), then i wont feel sad/upset/hopeless/lonley. if i am distracted, then i can live.
if however, i think, then living is not an option, unless you count a share in kleenex and hiding under a blanket crying as a life.
im not even sure what it is, there is just so much stuff, and its all blurred into one big thing i avoid.
the assesment started ok, but we got chatting and she was saying how things sounded really stressful, and i was like 'naaah thyve been worse, im fine!', and she was like 'charlotte, your not ok are you' too which my reply was 'theyve been worse', and again 'charlotte your not ok are you'...'iv been better'...charlotte your not ok are you'... que tears and the admitting that noooooo im probably not very ok at all.
aaaannnd it went on from there, i was fine untill she made me think, and then i melted. soooo im now a priority for help, what the fuck?! really, i know how too cope, it may not be the healthiest, but iv worked out how too not be suicidal, which is all i care about!
she said she could see that really at the moment its more about just getting through a day, rather then recovering, and she could also see that although not eating/purging/cutting arent too be advised, she could see those behaviours cant change while im feeling like this, and that they are better then me doing something worse (who needs anti depressants when you have an ed and self harm e?!...o ye, im on them too), it feels like she is making a big deal out of something that doesnt need too be made a big deal of...iv survived this much, im sure il survive another 20 odd years. but then when i think about things i cant get through a day without wanting too dissapear (hence the not thinking stratergy).
sooooo after that session i had body image group, and left after 5 min coz i couldnt stop crying, sat in the lounge crying, and then 20 min late, lisa saw me and then spent the next hour getting me too calm down in the art room (what do you do when you feel like this?...GO TO SLEEEEEEPPPP). finally managed to stop crying, only too be faced with a fuck off massive sandwhich AND packet of crisps for lunch, which i really didnt want, and hey, guess what?! yup thats right, walked out and burst right back into tears again!
wouldnt have finished lunch if it wasnt for bex outside with a sign reading 'you better finish or il come and kick your arse!'... i love that girl!
soooo then i carried on crying after lunch and finally stopped by about 3... i was bloody nackered!
in review today they said they had 'noticed you have been more teary then usual'...!!!
i was told that i need too make sure i ring if i need them, as they are here even when im not, and that i need too accept some support, because apparently i really need it.
they seem more worried then they should be, as i say, as long as i dont think I AM FINE.
so, 3 weeks left and then im done with daycare... im not so fussed, i cant do the hole food thing at the moment, i really cant, i just need too focus on something that isnt my thoughts, and so far food is the only thing that works. i know they will keep an eye on me, and make sure im not doing too much damage, so im not worrying too much about this at the moment!
right, now iv blahed about the day i should sleep, first day stewarding tomorrow...10-8.30 and i have no money, so it looks like its cerial bars and muller rice's alllll day tomorrow! (the only food i have in!)
messy head
well, as per usual my head feels like a ball of wool after a kittens had playtime!
rather a lot has come up today in daycare.
i spent most of the time feeling pissed off/angry/sad/dissapointed.
in group a new girl was moaning about how her parents didnt listen (for the full hour, no one got a say about anything else), and any words of help anyone else gave she brushed away.
i got really angry and it took me a while too work out why, but here it is... a very selfish reason, and a nasty one... why the fuck is she complaining? most of us have felt like that and we dont and never have complained (probably part of our problems im sure). i dont know, she reminded me of the bits of me i hate- the bits that want too have a chance in explaining how she has and does feel, the bits that want to tell someone how lonley she was, and the bits who want someone too know about what went on...
silly things like at age 7 remembering i wanted too run away, and had thought about hanging myself on the rail in my wardrobe... feeling like no one knew or cared about the stuff at school, and even if they did know there was nothing they could do. feeling useless and stupid in the classroom and like crying every break time coz i had no idea how the hell i could be part of their games.
like telling mum about stuff at school, only for her too tell me too ignore them, fairly difficult when being held up against a wall.
i guess i wanted someone too know, too see i wasnt a happy child. when i was cutting, it took till i told mum almost 5 years later for her too know, and the same with food. no one guessed, no one could see past my polite smiley facade, and that makes me feel really bloody sad.
i guess i feel sad for the person i was then, because i know if i saw someone who said that stuff too me, id feel for them... but i still couldnt give a shit about myself today.
why cant i change my food stuff?
because i hate myself too the extent that i wonder why its worth the effort. why would i waste the time, effort and food on someone i hate that much? why the hell would it be worth the hassel?
i can see its all wrong, and that i should think differently, but thats the most frustrating bit. it doesnt matter what people say, its impossible too take it on board and change how i feel about myself, there is something in the way and i dont know what it is, or just choose not too see it.
i hope one day il let myself.
rather a lot has come up today in daycare.
i spent most of the time feeling pissed off/angry/sad/dissapointed.
in group a new girl was moaning about how her parents didnt listen (for the full hour, no one got a say about anything else), and any words of help anyone else gave she brushed away.
i got really angry and it took me a while too work out why, but here it is... a very selfish reason, and a nasty one... why the fuck is she complaining? most of us have felt like that and we dont and never have complained (probably part of our problems im sure). i dont know, she reminded me of the bits of me i hate- the bits that want too have a chance in explaining how she has and does feel, the bits that want to tell someone how lonley she was, and the bits who want someone too know about what went on...
silly things like at age 7 remembering i wanted too run away, and had thought about hanging myself on the rail in my wardrobe... feeling like no one knew or cared about the stuff at school, and even if they did know there was nothing they could do. feeling useless and stupid in the classroom and like crying every break time coz i had no idea how the hell i could be part of their games.
like telling mum about stuff at school, only for her too tell me too ignore them, fairly difficult when being held up against a wall.
i guess i wanted someone too know, too see i wasnt a happy child. when i was cutting, it took till i told mum almost 5 years later for her too know, and the same with food. no one guessed, no one could see past my polite smiley facade, and that makes me feel really bloody sad.
i guess i feel sad for the person i was then, because i know if i saw someone who said that stuff too me, id feel for them... but i still couldnt give a shit about myself today.
why cant i change my food stuff?
because i hate myself too the extent that i wonder why its worth the effort. why would i waste the time, effort and food on someone i hate that much? why the hell would it be worth the hassel?
i can see its all wrong, and that i should think differently, but thats the most frustrating bit. it doesnt matter what people say, its impossible too take it on board and change how i feel about myself, there is something in the way and i dont know what it is, or just choose not too see it.
i hope one day il let myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)