what am i waiting for?!

well,
there it is, the question i have been asking myself for almost the last 10 years...
what am i waiting for before i recover?
what will be the magic moment where i decide enough is enough?
what will be the weight i finally accept that i really have a problem?

why cant i just do this???!!!

im getting very frustrated with myself for not doing it. i sit in daycare, and all i can think about is loosing weight when i leave - pointless and stupid, yet my head needs too obsess.

i keep talking too friends and convincing them out of it, yet its impossible too beleive what i say and let myself get better.
i never thought this illness was a problem, always thought i could escape it when i wanted, but the more i start to think about it, the more i realise its not true. if it was true, i would have sat down and gotten on with eating years ago.

it feels like im at a point where im standing on top of a cliff, and i am about too fall off - that moment of fear just before you think your going to trip or fall, that you cant control. its that way you stop yourself instinctivly but with a high pulse n short breath. i cant really describe it very well, like when your really angry/sad and want to say something or scream but stop yourself. i dont know.

i had a session with Pam, my first session with a therapist, on thursday.
it was ok, but i have started too realise how i use this ED. i came out of the session, and tried hard not too want too throw up, but i did. i threw up because i was scared of letting myself think.
it feels at the moment like if i start thinking, everything is going too be overwhelming and i wont cope with it all.
so, in steps ed, i use it too stop thinking, to shut it off when it could be too much and too stop myself falling apart when i think i could.

iv realised that all through day care, this is what iv been doing. im too scared too start looking at the problems, so i have continued too mess up my food as a way of escaping it.

i wish i could find a way too stop doing it, but im just too scared too let myself go any further. what if i fall apart and cant cope?
il be damned if i fall back in to a place where i have 180 pills collected and a bottle of rum hidden by my bed, just incase i cant last another night.

i guess at the moment, ed seems a lot less scary then feeling suicidal again =-(