messy head

well, as per usual my head feels like a ball of wool after a kittens had playtime!
rather a lot has come up today in daycare.
i spent most of the time feeling pissed off/angry/sad/dissapointed.

in group a new girl was moaning about how her parents didnt listen (for the full hour, no one got a say about anything else), and any words of help anyone else gave she brushed away.
i got really angry and it took me a while too work out why, but here it is... a very selfish reason, and a nasty one... why the fuck is she complaining? most of us have felt like that and we dont and never have complained (probably part of our problems im sure). i dont know, she reminded me of the bits of me i hate- the bits that want too have a chance in explaining how she has and does feel, the bits that want to tell someone how lonley she was, and the bits who want someone too know about what went on...

silly things like at age 7 remembering i wanted too run away, and had thought about hanging myself on the rail in my wardrobe... feeling like no one knew or cared about the stuff at school, and even if they did know there was nothing they could do. feeling useless and stupid in the classroom and like crying every break time coz i had no idea how the hell i could be part of their games.
like telling mum about stuff at school, only for her too tell me too ignore them, fairly difficult when being held up against a wall.

i guess i wanted someone too know, too see i wasnt a happy child. when i was cutting, it took till i told mum almost 5 years later for her too know, and the same with food. no one guessed, no one could see past my polite smiley facade, and that makes me feel really bloody sad.

i guess i feel sad for the person i was then, because i know if i saw someone who said that stuff too me, id feel for them... but i still couldnt give a shit about myself today.

why cant i change my food stuff?
because i hate myself too the extent that i wonder why its worth the effort. why would i waste the time, effort and food on someone i hate that much? why the hell would it be worth the hassel?

i can see its all wrong, and that i should think differently, but thats the most frustrating bit. it doesnt matter what people say, its impossible too take it on board and change how i feel about myself, there is something in the way and i dont know what it is, or just choose not too see it.

i hope one day il let myself.