hello,
well, im feeling a little mixed today.
im finding it hard seeing myself. i keep looking down at my thighs and seeing them as absolutly massive (as in like obese), and looking in the mirror and seeing myself as a giant, but then i know it cant be like that. i dont know how too see myself as normal. every now and then i catch a glimpse of myself as a little thinner, and i do a double take and its back to where i was.

iv had a very busy day, rehearsals, steward training, and a concert.
met up with dad which was nice, he came for the concert, and he took me for dinner. i had every intention of keeping it, it was only sushi, but i just couldnt do it. got back too college and threw it up.

i make myself angry.

i just want to go a day. i want to eat, and not think about it. i want to sit down and eat what i feel like eating. i want to chat and laugh and have a good time. i just want one day of freedom.

i had an appointment with lydia who does mental health stuff at uni. she will hopefully help me with sorting things out with uni etc, see what i can get help with, and give me a little more support.

sarah finally started talking too me at the pub tonight, so im fingers crossed that maybe it will be ok between us again.

have eaten-

1 nutri grain bar (130)
a little bit of a fairy cake (60ish)
hungarian goulash from eat (213)
a little icecream (100ish)
alcohol (400)

total 903 pluss sushi i threw up.

why does it feel so much? it isnt any where near enough, but i cant cope with it. i wish i could.