what a day!

hello!
well, today has been challenging to say the least!
i had too cook, and eat curry today...that being a food i havent kept down in years. i was trying to work out what was so scary about it, and i think it was the fact that it used to be a pleasent food. i think it is scary to let my self enjoy a food, and curry seems so indulgent that it makes me feel greedy.
yesterday was tough. i had my review (we have one every week), and they hinted at 'was i finding it useful' etc. they are annoyed because since being there i have lost weight, not gained it. i think they think im not trying.
the truth is, i want too do this. i really want too, but i am too scared of failing at it. im scared of starting to really try, because then if i fail, it will be my own stupid fault. im scared that im not capable of escaping this, and finding that out feels like too much. what if im like this for ever? i know how much i hurt people around me, and how selfish i am. i know im horrible because i cant seem to care enough too change it, and the idea that i will never change seems unbearable, yet so scary too find out that id rather not test the waters.
im so frustrated at myself. i have 4 weeks left, but i dont know how too try. i dont know how to change how i think, how too let things go, how to stop being too scared too try. i feel like il be stuck like this forever, and i feel so selfish for not being able to stop this. i know how much it hurts people, how ems seems so upset when i come home having lost weight, and how hopeful she is now iv started day care, but in all honesty, i dont feel able to change. im selfish and horrible, and any person in their right mind could see what they were doing and stop, but i just cant seem to work out how.
i just feel useless and helpless. i want a life, i want kids, i want a family, im just so stuck that i cant beleive it will ever happen.
i want a new head =-(

i tried to talk about it today, but im not sure anyone really took much notice, and i dont think it will help. i can see myself coming out of here and carrying on as i was. which is scary.

although part of me wants too loose weight, the rest of me wants too live.

i hope that one day soon something will get through. i really hope it will.