what a mixed day!

well ive been having a very mixed time latley,
i think my depression is back, as i cant seem too go a day without crying at least twice. today i thought i wasnt going to stop!

yesterday i went out for recorder night out... i basically paid £12 to have a crap time! didnt want the food, had an argument with sarah (well kinda, she still isnt speaking too me and has accused me of bitching behind her back, which is rubbish!) and burst into tears twice because i had had a shit day anyway!

today had a bit more of an argument with her, and i ended up being childish, which i regret (told her she was being an idiot), basically i had asked if we could chat and sort things out, and she said she didnt see the point and didnt need to chat... needless to say im fed up and pissed off because we have to work together, and i thought we were good friends.

i guess its that im finding hardest- every time i think i have made a friend, something happens and it all goes wrong. i dont know what i do, or how i do it, but i am incapable of having normal friendships... yet another reason ed is here. it makes me feel like shit that i have a natural ability too either piss people off or drive them away without realising it. i dont even know what on earth has gone on with me n sarah.

had an assesment with lisa today, and she was lovely...tho i have had too book another apointment because we hadent finished in one!!!
having looked at what she had written she said that it was no wonder that i am how i am... dont know weather too be releived that im not an attention seeking poo, or sad that thats the case!

she is the first person that has acknowleged how the bullying has affected me. i was brushing it all off, and she stopped me doing that... she thought it was a seriouse thing, which no one has ever thought. usually people think its just a bit of bullying and your week if you let it affect you, she was shocked at what id told her, and i didnt even go into much detail.
also having gone into the family history a little, she said it was likely from that that i could have developed some problems (expectations, food issues, depression all running etc), and we havent gone into it much yet!

she has also told me she is around for me too talk to, and if i need 5 min with her, i can ask the people at daycare too call up and ask for me, rather then wait for our next alotted slot. she was so lovely, im in shock!!!

im feeling very down a lot of the time, and i cant seem too shake it off. i wish i could, but it seems too stay no matter what. its just like im stuck in a grey patch - everyone else is able to have bright colerful happy days, but i just seem to be stuck, i cant get myself out of it.
it always creeps up on me, like iv been feeling down for a while, and then suddenly il notice im exhausted and i cant stop crying and that i cant feel happy or excited.

i called the mental health advisor at uni today and have arranged an appointment for tuesday with her, she suggested it after i told her what was going on, and has said maybe they can put something in place untill i start getting therapy.
i know i should tell my doctor, or the people at the unit, but i just dont know what too say to them, im scared they will think im lying, or that its silly too mention it.

on the pluss side, i did some medeival music today, and that helped calm me down! x