what a day!

goodness, well as far s nuts days go, today ranks pretty highly!

so first, i burst into uncontrolable tears in group and walk out (got too love them feelings!), end up with ann talking at me, and finally stopping just in time for snacks.

then i get accused of throwing up in the toilet there... now lets be seriouse about this, i have gotten this far, would i really bother now?! AND if i was going to throw up there, would i really be stupid enough to do it in the toilet and not clean it up properly?!!! (turns out it was the new girl)

then we all had our bags searched for alcohol because the nutter people running it thought it smelt of it (non of us could smell it, and surprise surprise there was no alcohol!)

my dad wont sort out the things he needs too for me getting the flat, and keeps asking why that one... i have 2 and 1/2 weeks to sort it all, why bloody not that one?!!!

just very very stressed!

the only redeeming feature too the day is that i got the stewarding job at college, so hopefully il be able to make some money.

im in such a bad mood constantly at the moment, and i feel awful for it. i dont mean to snap at people but im feeling impatiant, and then they ask silly questions or say sily things and i get really annoyed. my poor mother is getting that side a lot because she sais things that dont need to be reiterated the 6th time, and whilst normally i could ignore it, its driving me up the wall at the moment!

i guess im scared and annoyed. im frustrated at my self for not having found a reason too recover... i know i could do it, i just cant find the motivation too do it now. its too scary, and im too much of a wimp too step outside my nice little box, even tho i know it destroys everything. the logical side is screaming in its loudest voice at the rest of me, too just do it, but i cant seem to find a way to do what it sais. its like there is a big wall and i just cant comprehend a way of getting too the other side. i just cant see a way out at the moment =-(

i need someone too talk to about how im feeling, i miss having a counceler, not having one at the moment is possibly the worst thing ever, because its now more then ever before that i have needed space to just talk through what ever the hell is in my head, and find a way to untangle it. i feel like i dont have a real support network around me - i dont have friends face too face too talk to about stuff (the girls at the place i dont like moaning too because i know how they feel, and people at college i dont really see), i dont have a counceler and i dont have anyone with either a magic wand, or an endless supply of hugs and tissues!
i am also awear how hard it is for some of my closer ed related friends too talk too me when im in this space, so i dont really have them either... not that i blame them, as i want them to stay safe, just miss the chats!

it seems like im walking down a path and i know im headed for a big hole, but i am just carrying on, because what else can i do? i guess its better then not knowing the hole is their at all.

if anyone finds my sanity, please post it back ASAP...